box_hunter

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand-new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "Okay old fart, time for you to retire". The old rooster replies "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over!" The old rooster says "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop". The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start". The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and *BOOM* he blows the young rooster to bits! The farmer sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month". Moral of the Story: Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance.

Two women are talking. One asks "How is your son doing?" "My son? the poor, poor lad! What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?" "That's really awful. And what about your daughter?" "Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He does the cooking and sewing and washing and cleaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed".

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favourite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student. "John". "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favourite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in the bath" came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door. He asked again "Sir, what is your name?" "Jeff". "Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in a bath" was the answer. Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime... watching bubbles in a bath. He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?" "Bubbles".

Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed". The black lab said "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down". The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch". "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked "Why are you here?" I'm a humper" the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped".

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any change?" I said "No, you're still black".

Son Picking Dad Up From The Pub - orsm dot net.mp4

All this feminist bullshit about men having all the power... power comes from the socket, not the plug...!

A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says "First, give me a bottomless mug of beer". A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says "And what about your other two wishes?" The guy thinks for a moment and says "Give me two more just like this one!"

Didn't know spider man was part of the Christmas story.....

I don't think Santa is having a good week with the kiddies.....

It was a cold Christmas Eve and a miserable woman stood on the edge of a high bridge as she contemplated suicide. Just as she tried to step off, she felt someone grab her coat. She turned around to see Santa Claus pulling her back. "Santa Claus?!?" she exclaimed. "Yes indeed, but tell me, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Santa replied. The woman answered "Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me and my cancer has returned". Santa said to her kindly "Worry not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you'll have a message from your boss offering you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with your children, you'll have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone". "My goodness!" exclaimed the woman. "That is truly a miracle, how can I ever repay you?" Santa grinned slyly as he said, "Well, there is one way.. how about a blowjob?" The woman was so grateful she readily agreed. "Okay, sure!" she said as she got on her knees. She unzipped Santa and gave him the best blowjob of his life. After she had finished, Santa zipped up and asked the woman, "By the way, how old are you?" "I'm 27," she answered as she wiped her mouth. "You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" Santa said, laughing heartily as he walked off into the night.

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away". Santa replies "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know". The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice "Oh, Santa, don't run a mile, just stay for a while". Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know". The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh, Santa. Please. Stay". Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know". She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay..." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney this way!"

Merry Christmas everyone.. BOILED CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE 1 cup butter 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 cup sugar 1 cup brown sugar 4 Large eggs 1 tablespoon lemon juice 1 cup dried fruit 1 tablespoon nuts 1 bottle whisky METHOD: Sample whisky to check for quality. Take large bowl. Check Whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoon tea of sugar and beat again. Make sure whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters., pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky again to check for consistency. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one ballespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Wix mel. Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan to 350 gredees. Don't forget to beat of the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whLisky again and bo to ged. Nappy Hugh Ear.

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself". So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says "Fuck me! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society". After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied. "In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger". The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea". To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?" And then she went back to reading her book.

"That wife of mine is a liar!" said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley". "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

The Hell's Angels bikers were riding through London when they saw a girl about to jump off tower bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police officer who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby... what you doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive' George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked "Well, before you jump... why don't you give 'ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the police officer. "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, that's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Tits. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl". It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again! The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband "it is 3 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's well pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know". The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

The value of a Good Vocabulary: I called an old mate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment". I was very impressed. Upon further inquiry, I learned he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

A warning to all you - be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. The Police are out there in numbers checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...