box_hunter

Karen was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Peter. Suddenly, Peter burst into the kitchen. "Be careful" he said "Karen be careful! Put in some more butter! Jesus Christ! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn eggs! Turn eggs now! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful woman careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn eggs again! Hurry up! Are you kidding? You are really crazy. Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Where is the salt? Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!" Karen, unbelievably, stared at her husband. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" Peter calmly replied "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving car".

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50. I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found $2000 in the car park.

Paddy was telling Murphy about his mate that had fallen off his bike, he has a brain injury, 2 broken legs and blind in one eye "Bejaysus" said Murphy "It's no wonder he fell off".

A Catholic school for boys chartered a flight to Hawaii for a class trip. The boys and the priest chaperoning were enjoying the flight when the pilot summoned the priest up to the cockpit. The pilot explained that the plane is leaking fuel and they will not make it to any land, the other problem was that there were only two parachutes one for the pilot and one for the priest. The priest said "What about the boys?" the pilot said "Screw them". The priest said "You think I have enough time for that?"

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

You want a miracle? I'll give you a miracle. According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc. And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine! Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road".

Donald Trump has sparked outrage by calling for a ban on all Muslims entering the United States because he says they scare everyone. It would be more useful if he focused on the real things most Americans are actually afraid of, like diet and exercise.

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, both women sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. Not sure of the brand, but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

I think he had an itch on his leg that he really needed to scratch

hey-siri-drive-the-tram-whilst-i-play-candy-crush.mp4

sorry-your-card-is-not-accepted-here.mp4

An Australian, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis. The Iraq troop leader says "We're going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request". He says to the Welshman "What's your last request?" The Welshman says "I want a thousand Welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers'". "What about you?" he says to the Scotsman. "I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave" says the Scot. "What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman. "I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy. Turning to the Australian, he says "And your last request?" The Aussie says "For fucks sake mate, shoot me first!"

A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son". The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photocopier".

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well" says the Queen "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people". Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle". The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers "That would be me". "Yes! Very good" says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure" says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one". Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognises General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster". Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

My daughter's school teacher rang me today saying "Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today". "I know, her mother died yesterday" I replied "She won't be back for a while". "I'm sorry to hear that" he sighed "How's she getting on?" Very well" I replied "She's on her third load of laundry and has already prepared dinner".

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, sir" she advised me rather curtly. After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name. "Danielle" she said. "And your last name?" I asked. "Sorry" she replied "we don't give out last names".

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

The reaction is priceless. hey-can-you-hand-me-some-more-toilet-paper-please.mp4

tiger-goes-after-motorbikers.mp4

A man gets caught cheating on a woman and they are having a heated argument while driving to her mother's house. The woman gets so mad that she reaches over and cuts the man's dick off and throws it out the window. The detached phallus hurls through the air and lands on the windshield of a car behind them, sliding off to the side of the windshield and leaving a red smear to the edge. The car is driven by a dad with his 9-year-old daughter in the passenger seat. The father, not wanting to expose his daughter to the horror of this reality, looks over at her with wide eyes and says "Wow! did you see the size of that bug!" The daughter looks over at her dad with wide surprised eyes, and replies "That was a bug?" "It sure was" says the dad. The daughter thinks about this for a while and says to her dad "Well, it sure had a big dick!"

wife-makes-a-good-point.mp4