box_hunter

Merry Christmas pervs

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home" replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy" says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home" says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food" says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here" he says to the cashier "put your hand in here". The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm" she says. "Yes, that's right" says the man "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper".

My girlfriend says there is nothing wrong with having a small penis... but would be great if she didn't have one at all though.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done". The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex". Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that". TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

I said to my doctor "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident". He said "Did you fall off your board?" I said "No, I slammed the laptop shut when the wife walked in"

A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her ass. Shes a swiss army wife.

I don't know how the restaurant couldn't do that themselves. Not hard?? Oh hang on everyone is young and don't know how to use tools.

A guy dressed as a chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently, the answer is Chicken.

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?" "I was with Jessica". He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son - they're doughnuts!"

We've done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to lodge a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks" What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies "It's Frank, the dwarf".

In a bid to guarantee a black Oscar winner the Academy has created a new award: Lead Actor in a Crime Documentary.

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Leave your knickers on... just stick out your tongue!"

Mum was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed. This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him. He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him "What should we do about this?" Dad paused and said "Well, whatever you do, I don't think you should spank him".

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child. Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay" the sheriff drawled "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven" she replied. The sheriff thought to himself "That's not what I meant, but she's right". Then the sheriff asked "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and tomorrow" replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted "I don't know". The sheriff replied "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlour, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot...?" The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot". "Holy crap" the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird" "Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers". "Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you...?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion". The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that". "Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman". "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door... in a sheer black nightie". "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over". Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?" "DUNNO! I got an erection, and fell off my perch!"

Husband was sunbathing in the nude when he got sunburn on his Willy. He went to the doctors who recommended bathing it in cold milk. His wife came home from work just as he was sitting there with his Willy in a cup of cold milk "I always wondered how you refill those things!" said his wife.