box_hunter

Proof You Don't Need A Wanky Bike proof-you-dont-need-a-wanky-bike.mp4

I spotted a large man in a bar that had a muscular build except for his very small head. I could not help myself because it was so much different than the rest of his body. So, I asked him about it. He said that he was walking down the beach, spotted a bottle, picked it up and a Mermaid popped out. She gave me a wish and I said "How about having sex". She said that was not possible because she was a mermaid. Then, I said "How about a little head?".

I stuck my finger in her hole and I could immediately feel it getting wet. As I pulled it out, she then started squirting and going down on me, and a sudden rush overcame us both. Shit... I really need to get off this fucking boat before it sinks.

To my friend's astonishment a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grandfather got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. "Why, Grandfather" my friend said "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?" The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost" he admitted. "I just got tired of walking".

EXPLAINED: SOCIALISM, CAPITALISM AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. A GREEK CORPORATION: You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows But you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them, you claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are unhappy and would rather live in Australia.

A strange woman looked through my window this morning and saw me watching porn and masturbating furiously. Thankfully after about ten seconds of shocked embarrassing silence the lights turned green.

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then asks his students if it will dissolve. A student raised his hand to answer. Student: 'No, it most definitely will not dissolve, sir.' Teacher: 'Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?' Student: 'You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20!!'

Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going. The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies" Eh, I'm having social security sex". His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks "What the hell is social security sex?" "Yeah well I get a little every month but its not enough to live on".

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......

Wife: "Will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?" Me: "You know I do".

Martin had just received his brand-new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive" says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope" comes dad's reply "I'm gonna sit here and kick the fucking back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?" The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there".

TV execs are said to be delighted at the viewing figures for the final of the Great British Bake Off 2019 of 7.1 million. That's 1.1 million more than the legendary Great German Bake Off of '44.

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said "This will make you happy tonight". He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

I have 1 question!! WHY???

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him "What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead". "Oh bejaysus" the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boy replies "No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a crumbed sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power!"

A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriend's house and the girlfriend said to her mum "Mum, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mum says "Okay honey, you kids have fun". When they are in the room, the mum hears "Baby baby baby oh!" The mum walks to the door and ask "What the hell is going on?" The girl says "Mum were just having sex". And the mum says "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber".