box_hunter

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "Hi sweetie... how about you take me back to your place and we'll have some fun?" I said "Sorry, I can't. I haven't got any lubricant". She said breathlessly "You won't need any lubricant with me sweetie". I said "Yes I will. I've only got standard size door frames".

There was a 80-year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied "This old motor is still a' running!" Next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied "This old motor is still a' running!" The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again "This old motor is still a' running!'' And the doctor said "Yeah... but you better get your oil changed because this one is black"

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder. Finally, she screamed loudly "Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the fucking car!!".

My wife accused me of being a bad father when I refused to check under our three-year-old son's bed after he cried about monsters under his bed. How ridiculous, if I was such a bad father then I wouldn't have shared my LSD with him in the first place.

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven". Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God". St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and said "So you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said "Yeah, that's me..." God said "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally said "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said "Ah... yes". "Well" said Arthur "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much. 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!" "Hmm, you may have some good points there" said God "Hold on". God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to Arthur "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. "What's up?" says the driver. "Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back" says the policeman. "Thank goodness for that" says the driver. "I thought I'd gone deaf".

How many going I would still hit that...

I'm guessing that this boss now either pays his drivers there full pay due or now drives a shit box to work after he stops paying them!!

Sounds like a good deal. LOL

So is this how trump's people convince him that wearing a mask is a good thing?? Wear your mask.mp4

FROM CEO TO EMPLOYEES Dear Staff, Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm. TRANSPORTATION: It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. b) If you drive a 10-year-old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise. c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. ANNUAL LEAVE: Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (they are called SATURDAY's AND SUNDAY's). LUNCH BREAK: a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. INTERNET USAGE: All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. Important Note: Charges applicable as $0.50 per minute as we have fast connection. FYI, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded the equivalent of 3 months' salary. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else. Regards, CEO

I was in a pub in Saturday night when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number, sexy". I replied "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "Yes". I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The salesperson answers " Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95 The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The salesperson answers: "Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".

Wife: "Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?" Husband: "Okay... but I talk a lot of shit when I'm high"

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way". So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain". So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

It's been a really strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection. Honestly, the government is starting to sound like my fucking wife!

The Asian version! best-rear-windshield-wiper-yet.mp4