box_hunter

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. 
The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot...?" The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy crap" the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird"
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers".
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you...?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion".
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that".
"Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful. 
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman".
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door... in a sheer black nightie".
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes. 
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over".
Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?" "DUNNO! I got an erection, and fell off my perch!"

Husband was sunbathing in the nude when he got sunburn on his Willy. He went to the doctors who recommended bathing it in cold milk. His wife came home from work just as he was sitting there with his Willy in a cup of cold milk "I always wondered how you refill those things!" said his wife.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. 
The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot...?" The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy crap" the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird"
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers".
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you...?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion".
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that".
"Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful. 
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman".
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door... in a sheer black nightie".
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes. 
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over".
Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?" "DUNNO! I got an erection, and fell off my perch!"

Karen was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Peter. Suddenly, Peter burst into the kitchen.
"Be careful" he said "Karen be careful! Put in some more butter! Jesus Christ! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn eggs! Turn eggs now! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful woman careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn eggs again! Hurry up! Are you kidding? You are really crazy. Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Where is the salt? Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
Karen, unbelievably, stared at her husband. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Peter calmly replied "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving car".

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. 
The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot...?" The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy crap" the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird"
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers".
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you...?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion".
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that".
"Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful. 
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman".
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door... in a sheer black nightie".
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes. 
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over".
Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?" "DUNNO! I got an erection, and fell off my perch!"

Karen was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Peter. Suddenly, Peter burst into the kitchen.
"Be careful" he said "Karen be careful! Put in some more butter! Jesus Christ! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn eggs! Turn eggs now! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful woman careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn eggs again! Hurry up! Are you kidding? You are really crazy. Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Where is the salt? Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
Karen, unbelievably, stared at her husband. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Peter calmly replied "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving car".

A Catholic school for boys chartered a flight to Hawaii for a class trip. The boys and the priest chaperoning were enjoying the flight when the pilot summoned the priest up to the cockpit. The pilot explained that the plane is leaking fuel and they will not make it to any land, the other problem was that there were only two parachutes one for the pilot and one for the priest. The priest said "What about the boys?" the pilot said "Screw them". The priest said "You think I have enough time for that?"

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50. I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found $2000 in the car park.

Karen was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Peter. Suddenly, Peter burst into the kitchen.
"Be careful" he said "Karen be careful! Put in some more butter! Jesus Christ! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn eggs! Turn eggs now! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful woman careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn eggs again! Hurry up! Are you kidding? You are really crazy. Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Where is the salt? Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
Karen, unbelievably, stared at her husband. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Peter calmly replied "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving car".

What did Trump say when asked how to respond to Hurricane Florence?
"Pay her the same as Stormy Daniels!" 
 
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump, but that's comparing apples to oranges.
 
Donald Trump was asked if he knew any Bible verses.
He replied, "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Deport him and you don't have to feed him again."
Trump 20:17 

A Catholic school for boys chartered a flight to Hawaii for a class trip. The boys and the priest chaperoning were enjoying the flight when the pilot summoned the priest up to the cockpit. The pilot explained that the plane is leaking fuel and they will not make it to any land, the other problem was that there were only two parachutes one for the pilot and one for the priest. The priest said "What about the boys?" the pilot said "Screw them". The priest said "You think I have enough time for that?"

You want a miracle? I'll give you a miracle. According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc. And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine! Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!

hey-siri-drive-the-tram-whilst-i-play-candy-crush.mp4

You want a miracle? I'll give you a miracle. According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc. And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine! Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!

Donald Trump has sparked outrage by calling for a ban on all Muslims entering the United States because he says they scare everyone. It would be more useful if he focused on the real things most Americans are actually afraid of, like diet and exercise.

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, both women sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. Not sure of the brand, but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

You want a miracle? I'll give you a miracle. According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc. And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine! Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!