box_hunter

A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriend's house and the girlfriend said to her mum "Mum, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mum says "Okay honey, you kids have fun". When they are in the room, the mum hears "Baby baby baby oh!" The mum walks to the door and ask "What the hell is going on?" The girl says "Mum were just having sex". And the mum says "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber".

A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriend's house and the girlfriend said to her mum "Mum, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mum says "Okay honey, you kids have fun". When they are in the room, the mum hears "Baby baby baby oh!" The mum walks to the door and ask "What the hell is going on?" The girl says "Mum were just having sex". And the mum says "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber".

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere". he pleaded to the last hotel manager "Or just a bed-I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant" admitted the manager "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".
"No problem" the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better". John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time".
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said "Good night, beautiful" and he sat up all night watching me".

Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere". he pleaded to the last hotel manager "Or just a bed-I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant" admitted the manager "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".
"No problem" the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better". John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time".
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said "Good night, beautiful" and he sat up all night watching me".

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realised that she was not happy with his driving and said "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly. I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!" The girlfriend looked at him and said "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!" Then the guy quickly corrected her "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realised that she was not happy with his driving and said "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly. I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!" The girlfriend looked at him and said "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!" Then the guy quickly corrected her "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.

I don't want to get political but, I thought this was quite funny:
Someone asked "Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?"
Nate White, an articulate and witty writer from England, wrote this magnificent response:
"A few things spring to mind.
Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem.
For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honour and no grace - all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed.
So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.
Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing - not once, ever.
I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility - for us, to lack humour is almost inhuman.
But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is - his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.
Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers.
And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults - he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.
There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface.
Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront.
Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul.
And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist.
Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that.
He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat.
He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.
And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully.
That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a snivelling sidekick instead.
There are unspoken rules to this stuff - the Queensberry rules of basic decency - and he breaks them all. He punches downwards - which a gentleman should, would, could never do - and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless - and he kicks them when they are down.
So the fact that a significant minority - perhaps a third - of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think 'Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy’ is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:
* Americans are supposed to be nicer than us, and mostly are.
* You don't need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.
This last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss.
After all, it’s impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum.
God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid.
He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart.
In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws - he would make a Trump.
And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish:
'My God… what… have… I… created?
If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set."

Mary comes home from her date with Ted and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says "How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess". "It must have been a lot better than that" says mum " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling".

Here I was thinking a couple of different things...
He promised to wash her off her feet with the proposal or to make her wet with the special proposal he was planing!!

Here I was thinking a couple of different things...
He promised to wash her off her feet with the proposal or to make her wet with the special proposal he was planing!!

Here I was thinking a couple of different things...
He promised to wash her off her feet with the proposal or to make her wet with the special proposal he was planing!!

Mary comes home from her date with Ted and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says "How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess". "It must have been a lot better than that" says mum " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling".

Here I was thinking a couple of different things...
He promised to wash her off her feet with the proposal or to make her wet with the special proposal he was planing!!

Mary comes home from her date with Ted and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says "How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess". "It must have been a lot better than that" says mum " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling".

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam" she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean" she whispers "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze "Anything?" "Anything". His voice softens "Anything?" "Anything" she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"