Scotsman84 Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle which no longer works and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact I was still in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. " What are you doing? " she asked. " I thought I heard an intruder. So I came down to scare him." Scanning the contours of his doughy, naked body, she mumbled, " You didn't need the gun." King Hamlet, Lisa, Shadow V and 3 others 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, her husband comes downstairs in the morning and his wife asks what he'd like for breakfast. " Oh I think i'll have a shag please! So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. Husband goes home for lunch, " What would you like for lunch dear?" " Oh I think i'll have a shag please! So again they shag and he returns to work. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! " What are you doing?" he asks. " I'm warming up your dinner!! " King Hamlet, Lisa, Alexander1951 and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club. One friend pulls out £10, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek. Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a £50 note, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek. The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the £60 and goes home. Max 2017, Alexander1951, Shadow V and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 My missus is pissed off with me again. Last night while she was asleep, I gently removed her Tampax and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out. I'm telling you! That women's got no fucking sense of humour at all. Lisa, Chucky, Max 2017 and 3 others 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or dad, or my brother Colin. Or my brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Chucky, Alexander1951, Max 2017 and 3 others 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 My 5 year old: " I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT." No two week notice or anything. She'd better not want a reference. Lisa, Max 2017, Chucky and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me, " come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it." I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump. Lisa, Shadow V, delta10 and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who use to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Jase, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year, I'm just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad. A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heavens sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase. At 4am the next morning, the Federal Police and the local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase. King Hamlet, delta10, Max 2017 and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 " I'm going to the doctor," says Mary. " Why, what's wrong? " asks her best friend Sara. " I want to ask him how many calories there are in sperm. " Why worry", Sara says. If you are swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you are a little chubby. Alexander1951, Lisa, Max 2017 and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUBBERMAN Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 Andrew was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. He looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. He decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it in to the ground so no one would know. When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. "Andrew, The carpet looks wonderful" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cell phone?" delta10, Alexander1951, Chucky and 5 others 6 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. I should be in charge, " Said the brain, " Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." " I should be in charge," said the blood, " Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you would waste away." " I should be in charge," said the stomach, " Because I process food and give you all energy." " I should be in charge," said the legs, " Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." " I should be in charge," said the eyes, " Because I allow the body to see where it goes." " I should be in charge, " said the rectum," Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge. Max 2017, Lisa, Chucky and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, " I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, " I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us." Shadow V, Alexander1951, RUBBERMAN and 4 others 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUBBERMAN Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 A hockey team had finished its daily practice session. A large turkey came to the ground and walked up to the head coach, and demanding a tryout. Players were amazed and grew silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. Finally, the turkey returned to the sidelines, where the coach was waiting for him. The coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." The turkey replied, "Forget the bonus. And, tell me, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Little Johnny... The Birds and the Bees Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in." leon34, Lisa and delta10 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeusa Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 All the Gays on an Island My brother hates gay people -- hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.' leon34 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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