Q: Why are blonde jokes one-liners?

A: So brunettes can understand them.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

Beach Outing

Went to the beach today. I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.

Dabbling in Marriage

Marriage? Sure. Dabbled in it a little during the late 80s. Wild stuff, brother, wild stuff.

Masturbation Is a Biological Necessity

I tried to stop the first day or two of our marriage, and I promise you, my nuts ballooned quicker than Oprah in a Krispy Kreme.

Q: What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?

A: Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Nixon, Carter, Kennedy are on a boat. The boat's going down. Carter says, 'Women and children first.' Nixon says, 'Screw them.' Kennedy says, 'Do you think we have time?'

This Joke is Bananas!

 

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

Edited December 14, 20178 yr by mikeusa

One man is walking a tightrope. Another man is getting a blow job from a 90-year-old woman.
What do the men have in common?

In order to succeed, both must follow the same advice: don't look down.

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,  but check when you say the pain is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with this chest,  but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word "lisp"?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people keep constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string of a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,  then reach down,  pick it up,  examine it,  then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so,  why do we say, "Its all right?"  Well,  it isn't all right,  so why don't we say,  "That really hurt,  why don't you watch where you're going!"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?