need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[mikeusa]

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

[mikeusa]

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

[RUBBERMAN]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.  So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.  The bear remover arrives,  and gets out of the van.  He's got a ladder,  a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do, "the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,  then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls off,  the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.  The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?"  asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof,  shoot the dog."

[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

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[mikeusa]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[mikeusa]

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

[mikeusa]

 

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."

[mikeusa]

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

[King Hamlet]

Losing a wife can be hard.

In most cases, it's damned near impossible.

 

If it wasn't for marriage, women would spend most of their

adult lives arguing with complete strangers.

[King Hamlet]

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he had hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that he should take uncle Ted.

Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"

His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible.

Joe agreed and took Ted along.

He teed off and could feel he had hit it solidly.

He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"

Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"

Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"

Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."

 

[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

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[RUBBERMAN]

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.  The man in charge told the farmer,  "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said,  "OK,  but don't get out in that pasture over there,"

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification car and said,  "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want,"  See this card?  I will go where ever I wish.!

So the old farmer went about his chores.

It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.

He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's hug prize bull.  The bull was madder then a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out,  "Show him your card,  Smart Ass....Show him your card!!

[Scotsman84]

LOL.

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