While inspecting the honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What is this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."

"Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."

A man and his ever nagging wife were on a holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost $4500 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.

The husband said, "Ship her home." Shocked, the undertaker asked, "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?"

The husband replied, "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.... I can't take the chance!"

While proudly showing of his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. " What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

" Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

" How does it work?"

" Watch", the man said, giving it an ear - shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, " For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

The policeman had a bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten in their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally he got his car started and began to slowly drive away. Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, " How can this be?"

To which the man replied, " Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar, the friends ask why he is late and he responds:

" Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and I suddenly see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."

The friends are curious and ask, " Well, what happened next?"

The guy says, " Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, " Soo.... did you get any head? "

The guy says, " No, I couldn't find it...."

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he would hear internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: " Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let it go Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: " Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"

An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness Monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.

He panicked and shouted " God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.

A voice from the heavens boomed, " You say you don't believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?"

The atheist looked up and said, " Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

@Alittle and @teacups

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.