need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[toolmaker123]

A couple goes for dinner at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise."

 

    The waiter brings the dish, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot slowly rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

        "Hey, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she tells him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid slowly rises, and he sees two little beady eyes looking around before it slams back down.

Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!

"If you prease, sir,"    says the waiter,   "what you order?"

The husband replies, "We ordered the Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so solly, my mistake" says the waiter, "I blinged you the Peeking Duck."

[Scotsman84]

Two blondes are talking " did you know that christmas will be on friday this year?"       "Oh hell, not friday the 13th i hope!"

[Blaster]

The bartender says "Hey you can't bring that thing in here!"

The man calmly assures him that the alligator is not be feared. However, expectedly, the bartender doesn't believe him.

So, to prove it, the man decides to perform a practiced stunt in front of the bar. "This alligator is so well trained" he says "I bet you I can put my penis in its mouth for fifteen seconds and come out unharmed." The bar people look around in disbelief.

The man proceeds to tap the alligator's mouth signaling it to open, place his unsheathed penis gently on the lower jaw, count slowly to fifteen, remove his penis, and then gently tap the alligator's mouth again signaling it to close.

The bar people look at each other in incredulity as the man actually performed the stunt with success! Applause fills the room.

The man, basking in the glory, exultantly exclaims "Anybody else in here wanna try that?"

After a short pause, the gay man at the end of the bar stands up and says "I'll try it but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open for fifteen seconds!"

[toolmaker123]

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year 
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" 
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. 
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" 
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and began walked out of class. 
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... 
Totally straight-faced he answered her question,

 

"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[toolmaker123]

Redneck Sex Test 

1. The clitoris is a type of flower. 
True or False 

2. A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit. 
True or False 

3. A Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. 
True or False 

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. 
True or False 

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. 
True or False 

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. 
True or False 

7. Semen is a term for sailors. 
True or False 

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. 
True or False 

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. 
True or False 

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. 
True or False 

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. 
True or False 

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. 
True or False 

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. 
True or False 

14. Foetus is a character on Gunsmoke. 
True or False 

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 
True or False 

16. A condom is a large apartment complex. 
True or False 

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. 
True or False 

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. 
True or False 

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. 
True or False 

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. 
True or False 

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 
True or False 

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. 
True or False 

23. Pornography is the business of making records. 
True or False 

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. 
True or False 

25. Oral Sex is when you sit and talk dirty to each other. 
True or False 

[toolmaker123]

 I had a great time watching Fifty Shades Of Grey at the cinema with my girlfriend.

 

The film was terrible but the reaction of the people sitting in front of us after I flicked mayonnaise on them was hilarious.

[toolmaker123]

Top 5 worst Irish inventions ever. 

1. Inflatable dartboard. 
2. Diet water. 
3. Helicopter ejector seat. 
4. Wooden barbecue. 
5. Non-stick toilet paper.

[toolmaker123]

Men shopping at Home Depot by age group 
A man's age, as determined by his trip to the Home Depot.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or Whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, Dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit 
-- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from Who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. 

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the Job. 

Depending on your age you might do one of the following: 

In your 20's: 
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, Brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. 
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite Cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register. 

In your 30's: 
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. 
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands And comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. 

In your 40's: 
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to Cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. 
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking-in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's' age and you feel weird thinking she is hot. 

In your 50's: 
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands Onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap In your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think You've still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Beer & Bait Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.' 

In your 60's: 
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. 
   You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your Pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not too sure. 

In your 70's: 
     Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the Home Depot until the drug store calls and has all your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes, anymore. The young thing at the register stares at you and that's when you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch. 

In your 80's: 
   Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you came for in the first place.

      Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. 

In your 90's & beyond: 
What's a home deep hoe?        Something for my garden?                 Where am I?                  Who am I? 
             Why am I reading this?          Did I send it?         Did you?           Who FARTED? 

[Blaster]

This just for the proud Texan but we know him as  

 

 

Dumb Texas Laws

• When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
• A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
• You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
• It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
• It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

[toolmaker123]

Texas isn’t alone… from the 

:

The UK’s top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
   
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down
   
3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
   
4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned
   
5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
   
6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet
   
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
   
8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
   
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
   
10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
    
11.  
    

[toolmaker123]

The top 10 bizarre foreign laws as voted by those polled:

1. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
   
2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
   
3. A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
   
4. In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
   
5. It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
   
6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
   
7. Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
   
8. In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
   
9. There is no age of consent in Japan
   
10. In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon
    

[toolmaker123]

  A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.

 His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

    Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild and crazy when you were young?"

   Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was about your age and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and fucked a parrot....

                                  I thought you might be my son.''

[skippy]

what nasty person put the s in lisp?

 

and the s in scunthorp

[skippy]

Redneck Sex Test 

1. The clitoris is a type of flower. 

True or False 

2. A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit. 

True or False 

3. A Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. 

True or False 

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. 

True or False 

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. 

True or False 

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. 

True or False 

7. Semen is a term for sailors. 

True or False 

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. 

True or False 

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. 

True or False 

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. 

True or False 

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. 

True or False 

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. 

True or False 

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. 

True or False 

14. Foetus is a character on Gunsmoke. 

True or False 

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 

True or False 

16. A condom is a large apartment complex. 

True or False 

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. 

True or False 

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. 

True or False 

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. 

True or False 

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. 

True or False 

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 

True or False 

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. 

True or False 

23. Pornography is the business of making records. 

True or False 

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. 

True or False 

25. Oral Sex is when you sit and talk dirty to each other. 

True or False 

i have been crying reading reading these ..thanks .. i could read jokes all day love number 9

[toolmaker123]

I have a buddy stationed in Yuma, AZ. He sent me this. 

Living in Yuma, Arizona, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT . 

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. 

Here's the hat: 

 


It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me 5 hours. 

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. 

If you live in Texas , it might cut your wait time at the grocery store. 

But...don't try it at McDonald's… 

 

                              The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!