toolmaker123 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I have just invented the vibrating tampon. Now a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst. ================================================================================================== Rules for life 1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings". 3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6.) You should not confuse your career with your life. 7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy. 9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 11.) Never lick a steak knife. 12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 13.) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. Anyone going faster than you is a maniac; anyone going slower is an idiot !14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway; a true friend will come bail you outta jail: A best friend will be sitting next to you and say, "We really fucked up this time!" skippy and Sketch 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy Posted June 12, 2016 Author Share Posted June 12, 2016 teacher says to the class take out your pencils children. ben says i have no f*cking pencils miss teacher says to ben. i have no pencils we have no pencils they have no pencils. ben says well who has all the f*cking pencils miss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzy Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan†over and over – and then died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.†toolmaker123, skippy and Scotsman84 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 You gotta love stupid people on the internet!! I am sure everyone has wanted to do this... This is just mean... skippy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I heard they having a special on alligator sandwiches at DisneyLand this week; Last month it was Gorilla burgers at the Cincinnati zoo. Who says we can't feed the homeless? skippy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Paul's Problem: Paul and Leora are having sex. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. Then Leora finally looks up at Paul and says, "What's the matter, honey, can't you think of anyone else, either?" Scotsman84 and skippy 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 skippy and Rob1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toolmaker123 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up. It's pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard. This woman's "I'm deleting my Facebook" post has 52 comments and she's replied to all of them. Not a strong start. The FBI's terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now. If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved. blaster walks into the library, goes to the counter and asks,"Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on a date?†skippy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob1 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Picture 1 she's good with her hands that's for sure lol Scotsman84 and skippy 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob1 Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 What's the one thing gays and women have got in common?. They both love sucking cock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 Paul's Problem: Paul and Leora are having sex. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. Then Leora finally looks up at Paul and says, "What's the matter, honey, can't you think of anyone else, either?" haha been there before Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pleasant Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Did you read about the death of the dyslexic rock star? He choked on his own Vimto. Scotsman84, Sketch and skippy 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 a paranoid dyslexic man walks into a bra ..and says to the bar man i keep thinking i am following some one a dyslexic man went to a toga party dressed as a goat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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