need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[toolmaker123]

I taught my dog to beg.
 

Today he came back with $215.00. 

[toolmaker123]

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. 

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" 

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track." 

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. 

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom. 

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. 

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." 

"What if the phone was busy?" 

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". 

"What if that had been vandalized?" 

"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." 

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" 

                  "Cause he ain't  never seen a train wreck."... 

 

[Blaster]

 True Story.......

 

I walk into a bar and sees a donkey. I ask the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the I whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So I turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked me how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? I said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, than I showed him. 

[toolmaker123]

Rambling thoughts:
 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. 

· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. 

· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. 

-  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

 

     I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. 

 Â· If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

 Â· Take my advice — I'm not using it. 

 Â· My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

 

· Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were. 

· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

· Ever stop to think and forget to start again? 

· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. 

· He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? 

· Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. 

· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

 

· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. 

· If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

· If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? 

 

· Money is the root of all wealth. 

· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

If Hillary is elected President she will be the first Woman ever elected 

 

Does this mean Bill Clinton will be the first man to be First Lady ? 

 

No wonder the libtards are confused about laws concerning bathrooms

[toolmaker123]

 

 

 My Thoughts on beer:
 

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." 

Babe Ruth 
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." 

Lyndon B. Johnson 

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." 

Paul Horning 

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." 

H. L. Mencken 

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" 

George Bernard Shaw 

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." 

Benjamin Franklin 

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." 

Dave Barry 

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.! 

W. C. Fields 

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. 

Professor Irwin Corey 

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can! 

Leo Durocher 

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: 
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!

 

      That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. 

 

=================================================================================================

I just love eBay. 
 

I sold a homing pigeon eight times last month.

 

[toolmaker123]

Actual Label Instructions 
 

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products: 

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. 

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 

11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?!?) 

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?) 

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!) 

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) 

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) 

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what?...use in outer space?) 

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.) 

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) 

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) 

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) 

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. ( OK lets eat it frozen!!!) 

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD. 

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.(Kids no more driving) 

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!) 

 

27. On a stroller: Do Not fold with child inside.

[skippy]

me and my wife went to the local d.i.y store last week to get some wood to make some shelves

the man on the counter asked us what kind of wood we would like .which i replied it does not mater wood is wood.

the man replied wood is wood but there is many types of wood there is hard wood soft wood we stock so many.what are you planing to do with the wood and i will tell you the best one to use ..

its only for a few shelves.so i dont care what it is its all the same to me .the man looked really pissed off and said all wood is not the same i can tell you

what kind of wood it is just by sniffing it .ok i replied i will come back later with some samples blind fold you and if you can tell me what kind of wood it is i will pay you twice the amount for my shelves but if you get one wrong i get my shelves free ..he agreed

so i went away got some random pieces of wood ..went back to the store and said right put this blindfold on and i will put each piece under your nose so i put the first one under his nose . he took a big sniff and said thats a piece of oak he was rite so i let him sniff a few more and he got them rite aswell i thought i will not let him win this so i whispered to my wife lie on the counter and pull your knickers down i guided his nose to her pussy and told him to sniff he took a big sniff and said you might have got me here can you turn it over and let me sniff the other side.so i told my wife to role over he took another big sniff and said i am going to have to ges this one is it a shit house door made of kipper boxes. i got my shelves free

[Blaster]

A woman hears a knock on her door.

"Who is it?"

"I'm a vampire!"

"What do you want?"

"I want BLOOD!"

"Come back on the 27th"

[toolmaker123]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda. 

The day was really quite beautiful, 
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. 

Finally I thought about the age old question: 
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? 

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful 
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. 


Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking, 
I have come up with the answer to that question. 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; 
and here is the reason for my conclusion. 

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, 
"It might be nice to have another child." 

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, 
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." 

I rest my case. 

[toolmaker123]

The Perfect Day for Her and for Him 

The Perfect Day for Her: 

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses 

8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday 

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer 

10:30 Sauna, followed by a gentle massage, facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out 

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 

1:30 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 

3:00 Nap 

4:30 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer 

5:30 Pick out expensive outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror 

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing 

10:00 Hot shower (alone) 

10:30 Make love 

12:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 

12:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms 
========================= 

The Perfect Day for Him: 

6:00 Alarm 

6:15 Blowjob 

6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today 

7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee 

7:30 Limo arrives 

7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport 

8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ) 

9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club 

9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under) 

11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens 

12:15 Blowjob 

12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under) 

2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini) 

2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap) 

3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless)crew 

4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1,249 lbs) 

5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland 

6:45 Shit, shower and shave 

7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold) 

7:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York steak 

9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar 

9:30 Sex with three women (preferably at least two with mixed race origin) 

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi 

11:45 Bed (alone) 

11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room 

11:55 Sleep 

[toolmaker123]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. 
"They're mating," her father replied. 
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. 
"Daddy Longlegs" the father replied 
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. 
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." 
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, 
"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in my garden." 

[Pleasant]

A man goes into a bar for a drink. In the corner, he sees someone with a giant orange head, literally twice the size of a normal one, all glowing orange. Intrigued, he sits down at the table next to him.

 

He eventually plucks up the courage to ask, "Pardon me, but do you mind if i ask something?"

 

"Don't tell me  - It's about this" he replied, pointing to his head.

 

"Yes, er...."

 

"It's ok, i get it a lot. I'll tell you"

 

The man moves over to the same table. "It's the wildest tale. You ready? Last year, i went on holiday, and as i walked down a beach late at night, i saw a lamp sticking out of the sand, just like in the fairy tale. So i thought, i have to rub it, so i did, and a genie appeared!"

 

The man was astonished. "No way, really?"

 

"Yep, there he was. He granted me three wishes as well"

 

"What did you ask for then?"

 

"Well, the first was to be a multi millionaire. See that gold Rolls Royce outside? That's mine. See this solid gold watch? Worth half a million"

 

The man was astonished. "Wow, that's amazing"

 

"I know, it gets better. My second wish was to have the perfect woman. This is my wife coming in now". He looks up to see THE most beautiful woman.

 

"You are so so lucky!!"

 

"You bet i am!". The man was intrigued, this was the greatest story he'd ever heard. "So, go on!"

 

"What about?"

 

"What was the last wish"

 

"Oh, i asked him could i have a massive orange head".

[Scotsman84]

Dumb Warnings.    - Dog Tablets:  May cause drowsiness take care when operating car or machinery.

 

                                - First Birthday card: Not suitable for children under 3yrs due to small parts. 

 

                                - Hairdryer: Do not use when sleeping.

 

                                - Iron: WARNING  never iron clothes on body!

 

                                Wtf is the world coming to lol 

[skippy]

i thought i saw stepans name on a loaf of bread today

 

then i noticed it said thick cut

 

i have got to go to a schizophrenic meeting tomorrow. but i,m in two minds if i should go or not.

[Blaster]

One day a boy asks his dad,
"What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" 
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."
He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she
was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that
brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." 
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and
furry it is?" 
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt