need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[mikeusa]

  Dear Son,

    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

    About your sister, she had a baby this morning.  I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.  We cremated him and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  One was driving and the other two were in the back.  The driver got out.  He rolled down the window and swam to safery.  The other 2 drowned.  They couldn't get the tail gate down.

    Not much more news this time.  Nothing much happened.  If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

[mikeusa]

I'm thinking about getting some body piercing done 'cause that's cool. But I'm not thinking about piercing my eyebrow or my nose or my navel, you know, I'm thinking about piercing my love handles. Wouldn't that be wicked? Not some simple gold hoops, either -- actual handles off a suitcase.

[Lisa]

Husband: "Want a quickie?"   

Wife: "As apposed to what?"

 

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?

Miss her, pity her.                   

 

 

[Lisa]

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

1- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

2- A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

 

Mom took little Johnny to the doctors for lacerations on his penis.

Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"

Johnny: "It's that damn neighbour girl, Susie. Her braces are too sharp.

[Lisa]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home 4 hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the fire Chief?"

[mikeusa]

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

A: They take the psychopath.    

 

[mikeusa]

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a diner and ordered an orange juice and a steak. The waitress brough a pitcher of orange juice and the man's jaw dropped. The farmer said, "Pardon me, I ordered a glass of orange juice not a whole pitcher." The waitress simply said, "Sir, this is Texas. Every thing is bigger." So when the waitress brought the steak the farmer said, "Excuse me, I ordered a steak not the whole cow!" Again the waitress said, "This is Texas every thing is bigger." After he finished he had to go to the bathroom so he asked the waitress were it was. She told him it was down the hall first door to the left. Just as he walked through the men's room door he fell into a deep pool and screamed, "HELP, HELP! DON'T FLUSH!"

[mikeusa]

$1 Million in Heaven

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."

Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"

God said, "One million years."

Joe asked for a penny.

God said, "Sure, in a minute."

[StnCld316]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so they'll let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?

[Chucky]

In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished colouring the second one.

[Scotsman84]

Still going strong I see.

[Scotsman84]

A WWII veteran earned his High School diploma at 91, 74 years after dropping out.. When asked what happens next, he said.

" College Girls ".

[Scotsman84]

Two blondes are walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said: " They look like deer tracks. "

And the other one said: " No they look like moose tracks. "

They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Scotsman84]

This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints.

The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said, " There has to be something else, have you changed something recently in your lifestyle? "

She said, " Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"?

The Doctor said, " Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"?

She said, " I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuck ".

[mikeusa]

A Blonde & Her Waitress

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"