need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Max 2017]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, " Maybe i'll just go and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at the alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on it's back and shouted in frustration, " Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either. "

[Max 2017]

Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?

They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

 

What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynaecologist?

A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynaecologist sucks his fingers.

[Max 2017]

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.

This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: ' Keep off the grass.'

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[mikeusa]

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."

This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.

He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big fucking rats, with 12-inch cocks!"

[mikeusa]

A Husband's Realization

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.

One day he told her, "You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?"

"What is it, dear?" she asked.

He responded, "I think you bring me bad luck."

[StnCld316]

A nun and a priest were crossing the  Sahara  desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see Yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he Fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get The hell out of here!'

[mikeusa]

Love This Girl

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

[mikeusa]

: Night Panic

I was lying in bed last night, I got scared: 'What if I died right now from very immensely, incredibly delayed crib death?'

[Max 2017]

A teacher asks her class, " What do you want to be when you grow up? "

Little Johnny says, " I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

" And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says, " I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

[Max 2017]

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke.

If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked, " Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet?"

The blonde said, " I know I just got the first one!!! "

 

 

[Lisa]

A coroner was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the coroner, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe, "He said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, " Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

[Lisa]

A teacher was concerned with one of her 11 year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back the urge to smile, she asked, "With who?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "Don't you see how silly that is? it's true I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

[Scotsman84]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

There after he quickly realised that he couldn't separate himself  from the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. " Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder? "

" Don't worry, " replied the customer service " The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons! "

[Scotsman84]

Messi is out at a bar, and flirting with a good looking woman. She invites him over to her house, and she goes into the bathroom, telling Messi to get comfortable.

She comes back and finds Messi laying in bed with 2 naked men. She exclaims, " What the hell is going on?! " to which Messi sheepishly replies.

" I'm sorry! I can't perform without Iniesta or Suarez! "

[Budlight]

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"