One - Liner.

[Johnny]

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought. He's trying to pull a fast one.

Years ago I use to supply Filofaxes for the media. I was involved in very organized crime.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

Sometimes tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

 

[Wazzer]

+My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

+How do Asians name their kids? They throw them down the stairs and see what kind of sounds they make.

+My wife complained that the vacuum sucks to hard on the rugs and I made a joke...anyway, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

+Do you ever look at what's "Popular on Netflix" and think, man there are a lot of dumb motherfuckers watching Netflix?

+I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.

+If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need. Not all this, "how did you get in my house?!" Bullshit.

 

[Scotsman84]

Went to the doctor's last week, he said, "Have you had sex in the last seven days?"... I said, "No, my birthday's in August.

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Once you go Asian, you never miss an equation.

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

It's a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub, but 30 minute walk back from the pub. The difference is staggering!

 

[Scorpio 22]

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "If an emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor." What's my mother going to do?

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from, and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assume the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill them with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn't block access to porn sites on the internet.

PMS should be called ovary-acting.

 

[Scorpio 22]

I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?" 

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Got an email today from a "Bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

My ex text me, Can you delete my number? I responded, Who is this?

 

[Max 2017]

I asked my pilot if she'd be okay having sex with me on our flight. She replied, "I don't give a flying fuck."

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.

You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning.

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

 

[Scotsman84]

Last night I tried to make love to my wife but nothing was happening, so I said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of anyone either?"

My cousin is gay. In school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

I'm not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

My daughter... She failed her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. 

I like my sex the way I play basketball, one-on-one with as little dribbling as possible.

[Johnny]

My latest girlfriend really takes my breath away, she's inflatable.

Our dog only responds to commands in Spanish, he's Espanol.

Some people think there are insects on the moon, they're Lunar tics.

I mentioned Real ale to a young lad at the pub the other day, and he thought they were a Spanish football team.

I saw my neighbour slumped over his lawn mower crying his eyes out, he said he'd just been through a rough patch.

[Scorpio 22]

Google request: How to disable autocorrect in wife?

Why won't Mexicans be sad too long about Trump's wall? They will get over it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

A mate said he saw several elderly men repairing shoes in the back of a van. I reckon it's a load of old cobblers. 

I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

16 blondes are standing outside a bar. Why didn't they go in? The sign said 18+.

[Max 2017]

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves. (Not just the dolls)

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

My friend is selling a load of broken yo-yos, no strings attached.

I always wanted to marry Mrs.Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always".

[Flume]

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly.... I'm not a fan.

Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

[Scorpio 22]

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything".

I've spent the last 4 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer, but no-one will do it.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run .

I've just written a song about tortillas, actually it's more of a rap. 

[Flume]

This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me!

I sleep better naked.... Why can't the flight attendants understand this?

I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

[Scorpio 22]

I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

No man will ever win a game of "notice anything different about me."

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I was adopted at birth and never met my mum. Makes it very difficult to enjoy any lap dance.

[Doyouthinkshesawus]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I always wanted to marry an Archaeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!

WiFi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.

Today, my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" And I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. 

If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. Who gets out first, the guy on top of the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he's already got his shit packed.