A man got in a bad car accident. He was talking risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said, "I have good news and bad news." The wife asked, "What's the good news? "We managed to save his arm." "What's the bad news?" "We couldn't save the rest of him."

I was digging in our back garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. 

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it's ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch. 

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job" but if you're doing it at home your "destroying evidence".

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped in to help. He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

On a date.

Me - "I get to work with animals all day"

Her - "Aw how sweet! What do you do?"

Me - "I'm a butcher."

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.

AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".

BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".

HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."

LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!

PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".

WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

2 Vegas circus midgets decided to have a night out on the town, and after a few beers, phoned an escort agency to arrange for a couple of hookers to come over to a cheap hotel. An hour later they were drinking with the women before going up to their rooms.

One midget started getting it on with his hooker, but couldn't get aroused due to the alcohol. He tried and tried but to no avail. Eventually the hooker had to leave.

Pissed off, he got into bed but was suddenly aware of a loud voice from next door, so he went and put his ear to the wall.

"1,2 UHH"

"1,2 OOHH"

"1,2 AAHHH"

"That damn bastard" he thought. "I'm alone and he's having the time of his life with her". The next morning at breakfast, both of them sat down to have coffee.

"What happened with you?". "Ah damn, i couldn't get it up, waste of time, she left early". He sighed and said "But what about you eh? You had a great time by the sounds of it!"

"What do you mean? I couldn't even get up onto the bed."