box_hunter Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed". The black lab said "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down". The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch". "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked "Why are you here?" I'm a humper" the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped". Johnny and delta10 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favourite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student. "John". "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favourite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in the bath" came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door. He asked again "Sir, what is your name?" "Jeff". "Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in a bath" was the answer. Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime... watching bubbles in a bath. He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?" "Bubbles". Johnny and delta10 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Two women are talking. One asks "How is your son doing?" "My son? the poor, poor lad! What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?" "That's really awful. And what about your daughter?" "Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He does the cooking and sewing and washing and cleaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Create an account to see this content! Johnny, RUBBERMAN and Bandit 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Create an account to see this content! RUBBERMAN 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Create an account to see this content! Johnny, RUBBERMAN and Bandit 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Create an account to see this content! Pleasant 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Create an account to see this content! RUBBERMAN, Scorpio 22, Bandit and 1 other 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Create an account to see this content! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Create an account to see this content! delta10, Bandit, Scorpio 22 and 1 other 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 A farmer went out one day and bought a brand-new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "Okay old fart, time for you to retire". The old rooster replies "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over!" The old rooster says "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop". The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start". The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and *BOOM* he blows the young rooster to bits! The farmer sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month". Moral of the Story: Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance. Bandit, delta10 and Johnny 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? They're both half empty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 "It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up". "That's not how field sobriety tests work" the police officer replied. Flume and Scotsman84 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!" Flume, Bandit, Scotsman84 and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. The kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset. Pleasant, Scotsman84 and Flume 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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