A lone sniper was about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great" Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too" exclaimed Little Johnny "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

What is the hardest part of boiling a vegetable? Getting a pot big enough to put the wheelchair in.

A doctor tells a patient, "I've good and bad news for you. Which do you want first?"

Patient, "Oh no. The bad news, please."

Doctor, "It appears I have amputated the wrong foot, sorry."

Patient, "And the good news?" Asks the shaken patient.

Doctor grins, "There's a guy very interested in buying your shoes!" 

My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday.

So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car. 

 

My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.

It may come across as judgemental, but really, I've only ever known and loved her as Christine. 

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place is McDonald's. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forkes, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid. 

Doctor: "Mrs. Apfelbaum, your husband is very sick."

Wife: "Oh no. What is it?"

Doctor: "He is sick of your shit!" 

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goats milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!" 

The second Arab nods, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"