Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said "This will make you happy tonight". He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

TV execs are said to be delighted at the viewing figures for the final of the Great British Bake Off 2019 of 7.1 million. That's 1.1 million more than the legendary Great German Bake Off of '44.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?" The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there".

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached them to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" and they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decided to go get a beer and a burger, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what the fuck happened!

The assistant replied, "Well....everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to play you since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a maths question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment then answered, "I think...no...yes... I'm not sure... what about 4?" "Did you say 4?" the smiling coach exclaimed, excited he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began shouting: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

 

I just made this up -

      If 2 or more members of the same family have a long history of dealing with frequent bouts of diarrhea then you can say that diarrhea runs in the family.

Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a prostitute on a football field?

A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. 

 

Q: How does Jesus celebrate Easter?

A: He gets a manicure, pedicure and has his nails polished. 

They have traced the gay gene all the way back to the time of the dinosaurs.

They found two distinct species. Have named them Lickalotapus and Megasoreass. 

Martin had just received his brand-new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive" says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope" comes dad's reply "I'm gonna sit here and kick the fucking back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

Wife: "Will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?" Me: "You know I do".