I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said "Punching above your weight aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "Thailand. We're getting married". "You don't want to get married, that's when the blowjobs stop". "I don't mind that; I hate giving her them anyway!"

Just nearly talked myself out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody stunning. Then I fucked up by saying "and that's not the drink talking either".

A man wakes up in Hospital in Australia bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on.

"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day "So, have you spoken with your wife?"  "Yes I have" says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite kitchen bench tops".

Three men, one American, one Mexican, and one Chinese, were hiking an unknown mountain.

They suddenly discovered a big cave. So they each decided to test its echo.

The American man shouted his name: "John"
The echo replied: " John"

The Mexican man shouted his name: "Carlito"
The echo replied: "Carlito"

The Chinese man shouted his name: "Ching Chong Lao Song"
The echo replied: "What?"