An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." 

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson answers:

"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".

I was in a pub in Saturday night when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number, sexy". I replied "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "Yes". I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver.

Why is every American receiving a $1200 check?

 

Because Trump always pays off the people he has fucked.

FROM CEO TO EMPLOYEES

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10-year-old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (they are called SATURDAY's AND SUNDAY's).

LUNCH BREAK:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

INTERNET USAGE:
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
Important Note: Charges applicable as $0.50 per minute as we have fast connection.
FYI, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded the equivalent of 3 months' salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Regards,

CEO

Just when you've thought you've seen it all.   

 

Edited July 6, 20205 yr by StnCld316

On 7/5/2020 at 10:12 PM, StnCld316 said:

Just when you've thought you've seen it all.   

 

 

I am surprised that the cereal didn't turn into chocolate "CoCo Puffs."LOL