King Hamlet

My missus is pissed off with me again.
Last night while she was asleep, I gently removed her Tampax and replaced it with
a party popper leaving the string hanging out.
I'm telling you! That women's got no fucking sense of humour at all.

Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club. One friend pulls out £10, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a £50 note, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.
The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the £60 and goes home.

Most people younger than 30 would rather have you take an arm than their phone, so that will never happen.

Who do you think is given these girls these phones in the first place.....lol
Why do you think some of these girls have 2 phones....
Take a closer look at the phones...
They all have Apple phones and Laptops......And dam near all of them are the same colour...
Free phones with unlimited data must be part of their contracts...
You'll never see these girls without a phone...Hell some of them are in heaven with all that free data.......lol
JUST SAYIN.....

 

It's just the same people talking about the same Apartments all the time and you wonder why it's empty a lot of the time.

from the movie PLANES, TRAINS and AUTOMOBILES with Steve Martin as Neal and the late John Candy as Del (who was a fellow Canadian)
 
[at the car rental agency, after Neal finds the rental car he was assigned is not in the expected spot]
 
Car Rental Agent: Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?
Neal: [indignantly] Yes.
Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks. Then you can give me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick ” 4 fucking wheels and a seat!
Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car right fucking now.
Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Agent: Oh, boy.
Neal: "Oh, boy" what?
Agent: You're fucked.     
 
This great funny movie still makes me piss myself laughing so fucking hard with fucking tears. Steve Martin and John Candy were dynamic together and bounced things off each other so well. I totally recommend watching this movie if you haven't. It is a fucking classic (sorry - no sex - just non stop laughs).  

"Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."  (Dumb and Dumber)

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... ( Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RVs toilet )
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. It's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within 10 yards of it.
 
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I french kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but daddy says I'm the best at it.  Vacation ( 1983 )

Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, her husband comes downstairs in the morning and his wife asks what he'd like for breakfast. " Oh I think i'll have a shag please! So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work.
Husband goes home for lunch, " What would you like for lunch dear?" " Oh I think i'll have a shag please! So again they shag and he returns to work.
Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! " What are you doing?" he asks.
" I'm warming up your dinner!! "

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle which no longer works and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact I was still in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
" What are you doing? " she asked.
" I thought I heard an intruder. So I came down to scare him."
Scanning the contours of his doughy, naked body, she mumbled, " You didn't need the gun."

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
" Ha! That's not going to help," she said.
" Sure, it does he said. " It's the only way I can see the numbers."

It's just the same people talking about the same Apartments all the time and you wonder why it's empty a lot of the time.

I went to a job interview the other day 
  They asked me, "What do you think is your biggest weakness?"

"I'm too honest", I replied.

"I think we'd like that", the interviewer told me.

"I don't give a fuck what you think.", I told him. 

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from her bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. " What's up? " she asks.
" I'm having a heart attack, " cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four year old son comes up and says " Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she has no clothes on! "
The blond slams the phone down and storms into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. " You rotten Bitch ", she screams. " My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids! "

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighbourhood.
" How often do you have sex with your wife? " asked the inquirer.
" Three times, " Jeff said without hesitation.
" That is once more often than your neighbour, " the inquirer said, writing.
" That makes sense, " Jeff said, " after all, she's my wife. "

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says " I need a piss " and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says " Have you changed sex? "
Mary says " No, I changed my mind, I am having a shit! "

If your Dog is barking at the back door and your Wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?
Husband: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Wife: What trick?
Husband: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep.

It's a hard choice..   Any Ideas? Lol

What could possibly be more important.. Lol

Beer Goggles..

Useful in the Chatbox at times.. Lol

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, " Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, " Bitches are ladies and Bastards are gentlemen. " Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally knocks over a perfume bottle, and his mom says, " Shit! " " Mom, what is shit?" and she says, " Perfume. " So he goes to see his dad ( who is carving a chicken ), and his dad cuts himself and yells, " Fuck! " The boy asks, " Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says " Preparing. " Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, " Where are the condoms? " The little boy asks, " What are condoms? " and his father says, " Condoms are coats and jackets. " The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, " Hello! Please come in, bastdards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is in the kitchen fucking the chicken. "