Scotsman84

Boyfriend?? I thought we had something lol

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about there favorite sex position. One says, " I think i enjoy the rodeo position the best." I don't think I've heard of that one, " says the other cowboy. " What is it?". " Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her breasts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds." (moderator edited)

A few months after his parents divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, " I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took of his clothes , threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Why did i get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As i entered my office, my secretary said, " Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me to her apartment. We went there and she said , " Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Ok, " I said. She came out 5 minuites later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids , my friends and my colleagues all yelling, " SURPRISE!!!" while i was waiting on the sofa..... Naked.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, " If there are three ducks sitting on a fence , and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None. " The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, " Because the shot scared them all off. " The teacher says, " No, two, but i like how you're thinking. "Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor , one licking ice cream, one sucking her ice cream and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?". The teacher says, " The one sucking her ice cream. " Johnny says, " No, the one with the wedding ring, but i like how you're thinking!"

Was meaning there must be away there not paying full price, would you give 750 tokens for a goal that was never going to meet? And i work for myself and have never conned anyone, can most of them say that??

Did you get those pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off.

Hey can i follow you home? ("What?") "Oh sorry my parents just told me to follow my dreams."

There's worse lol

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So i said, " Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, " Its Wales, dumbo!" So i corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" That's about as far as I remember.

I fear my neighbour maybe stalking me, She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

Nice body tae, just have to put bag over her lol

Fucking hell not something you want to wake up to in the morning lol

Pitty Bobz wasn't here im sure he would have filled in the blanks lol

I'm jealous wish i ate like a retard as well lol

Hopefully his shirt gets nicked on vacation lol hardly unlikely tho

Must be loosing his touch lol

Have a day off lol

What are mixed Feelings? Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

You're like my little toe, because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.

Does your left eye hurt? Because you've been looking right all day.

Only thing he's good at fingering is his nose lol

Not seen her yet but hopefully better looking than the last two Female Tenants

Yeah because she's such a great watch lol

Very nice shame she ain't staying longer