box_hunter

A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... "You know how I work... you have three wishes".
"I'm not falling for this". said the cowboy.... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie".
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
"Okay! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.".
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
" Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams".
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
" Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me".
*POOF*
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, husband asks: "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite!"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well...
Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software development. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good" said the new husband "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Three nuns die and go to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
"Who was the first woman?" he says to the first nun. "Eve". The gates swing open and she walks in.
"Where did Eve live?" he says to the second nun. "The Garden of Eden". The gates swing open once more.
"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.
"Oh, that's a hard one..."
The gates swing open.

The teacher was giving a lesson on polysyllabic words and asked the class for examples. Jane stood up and said "Monday". "Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables" said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said "Saturday'. "Sat-ur-day - three syllables. Excellent, Mike" said the teacher. Johnny burst out of his seat and said "Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others. Mas-tur-ba-tion!" Shocked, the teacher said "Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That's certainly a mouthful". "No, Miss" said Johnny "you're thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables".

A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, husband asks: "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite!"

A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... "You know how I work... you have three wishes".
"I'm not falling for this". said the cowboy.... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie".
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
"Okay! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.".
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
" Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams".
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
" Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me".
*POOF*
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

The Asian version!
best-rear-windshield-wiper-yet.mp4

Question: What's the odd one out?? A: Washing Machine. B: Toaster. C; Woman. D; Freezer. Answer: B: Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked.

MATHEMATICS
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.

IF DONALD TRUMP HAD CAPTAINED THE TITANIC...
There is no iceberg.
It's a little iceberg.
We won't hit an iceberg.
I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew.
No one knows icebergs better than I do.
The penguins brought the iceberg here.
No one could have predicted the iceberg.
We cannot allow an iceberg to stop our ship.
The crew is spreading fake news about icebergs.
Some of you have to drown.
Maybe we can try disinfecting the iceberg.
I am the best captain, ask anyone

Question: What's the odd one out?? A: Washing Machine. B: Toaster. C; Woman. D; Freezer. Answer: B: Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked.

IF DONALD TRUMP HAD CAPTAINED THE TITANIC...
There is no iceberg.
It's a little iceberg.
We won't hit an iceberg.
I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew.
No one knows icebergs better than I do.
The penguins brought the iceberg here.
No one could have predicted the iceberg.
We cannot allow an iceberg to stop our ship.
The crew is spreading fake news about icebergs.
Some of you have to drown.
Maybe we can try disinfecting the iceberg.
I am the best captain, ask anyone

Question: What's the odd one out?? A: Washing Machine. B: Toaster. C; Woman. D; Freezer. Answer: B: Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked.

IF DONALD TRUMP HAD CAPTAINED THE TITANIC...
There is no iceberg.
It's a little iceberg.
We won't hit an iceberg.
I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew.
No one knows icebergs better than I do.
The penguins brought the iceberg here.
No one could have predicted the iceberg.
We cannot allow an iceberg to stop our ship.
The crew is spreading fake news about icebergs.
Some of you have to drown.
Maybe we can try disinfecting the iceberg.
I am the best captain, ask anyone

Whenever you start feeling bad just remember that somewhere out there Bill Clinton is quarantined with Hillary!