Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, " Man, I wish I had something to drink! " Jim says, " Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it? "

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!

No hangover!

No bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, " Hey, how do you feel this morning? "

Dave says, " I feel great, how about you? "

Jim says, " I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover? "

Dave says, " No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." 

" Yeah, well there's just one thing."

" What's that? "

" Have you farted yet? "

" No."

" Well, DON'T! 'Cause I'm in Perth! "

 

Banana Peel

An idiot walking down the street spots a banana peel and sighs.

"Here we go again!

Beyond Impotent

A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"

She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

: Not Into Older Women

I'd be like, 'Lady, get the hell away from me! You're old, you're gross -- I'm sorry. I'm sure you were unbelievable back in the 20s, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you're at least four decades past humpable. I'm sorry.'

On Young Women Marrying Old Men

Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Circuit City Sex

When it comes to sex, I like to refer to my wife as Circuit City because she has no interest until January of next year.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?  Nothing, you told her twice.

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, the stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?, pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Bang Bang!

Q: Why did the mirror have holes in it?

A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself.

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

She answers, "Warming up your dinner."

Q: Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
A: She heard drinks were on the house.