need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

Create an account to see this content!

[Dazzan]

Not sure if this one has been posted before, but it's one of my all time faves...

The Bear Joke

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.

All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sites and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.

Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuckin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''

[Rob1]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!" 

[Rob1]

Q: Why was the lesbian sick?

A: She was lacking vitamin D 
 

 

Q: What do you call an Irish lesbian?

A: Gaylick 

Q: What does Santa get a lesbian for Christmas?

A: A new carpet to munch on. 

 

Q: Where can you find a penis on a lesbian?

A: Maybe you should ask Dick van Dyke. 

 

[Scotsman84]

At a family breakfast a conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son.. Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?

Dad.. They're balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she'll fly to heaven.

Son.. Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying " Oh God, I'm coming " but she didn't float away anywhere!

[Scotsman84]

Chinese man phones Boss " me no work I sick " Boss says " when I feel sick I fuck my wife try that "

2 hours later Chinese man phones back " Me better, you got nice house.

[Rob1]

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
“You know, we do taste like chicken!”

•  
• A lesbian slept with 13 women in one night and suddenly died.
  At her autopsy it was discovered she had died from a crack overdose.

Did you hear about the lesbian who took too much Viagra?
She couldn’t get her tongue back into her mouth for over a week!

 

What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A block of flaps!

 

Why did the lesbo stick a potato up her vagina?
So her girlfriend could enjoy some chips with her fish.

 

What do you call lesbian twins?

Lick-a-likes.

 

What do you call a lesbian who fell asleep tanning?
Fried fish.

 

[Scotsman84]

3 reasons why you should get a £100 note tattooed on your Penis.

1. You can play with your money.

2. You can watch it Grown.

3. Every Woman loves to blow Money.

[Scotsman84]

Had a great time watching Fifty shades of grey with my Girlfriend at the cinema. The film was terrible but the reaction of the people sitting in front of us after I flicked mayonnaise on them was Hilarious..  

[Scotsman84]

Q. How do you confuse an Archaeologist?

A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

 

[Scotsman84]

My Girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying;

" helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative "

Does anyone know what " ternative " means?

[Scotsman84]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while in bed.

Husband: " Can I try going through your back door tonight? "

Wife: " Fuck That Shit! "

Husband: " That's the Spirit! "

[Scotsman84]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me..

" I really need a new fucking Boat " I thought to myself.

[box_hunter]

A guy is eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne - on me!" The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there". She says to the waiter "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants". The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, TEN million dollars in the bank, but no way am I cutting four inches off!"

[box_hunter]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent".

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"