need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[toolmaker123]

  I was a the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. 

    The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...

          Then I suddenly realized that I was listening to my iPod. 

 

 

                VIKA  finally decided she needed a bra that fit properly and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

 

  She entered an upscale department store and approached the sales lady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

    After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.

Leaving the mall, she went to K-Mart.

   Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied,

                                                   "Have you tried Clearasil?" 

 

 

[toolmaker123]

Things I have learned from reading my junk email: 
 

1. Everything is absolutely free (or only pay shipping & handling). 
2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here. 
3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any of the various sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm animals) if I just click there. 
4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here. 
5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here. 
6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and then here. 
7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder. 
8. But wait..there's more...

    legal marijuana, sleeping pills, stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of Ginzu knives...all by just clicking here and clicking here. 
WHAT A COUNTRY... ONLY IN America.

 

AND,  When that poor widow woman in South Africa sends me my bazillions of dollars, you'll never see me again.

[toolmaker123]

      Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability." 

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. 

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. 

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. 

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left in here?

 

                                           Oh yes, 'multiple orgasms' . . ." 

[Pleasant]

I keep seeing these commercials saying that i can win a fortune if i get injured at work.

 

I'm not falling for that one.

[Pleasant]

Definition of a Gift Voucher.

 

Money that was good anywhere, and is now only good for one single place.

[toolmaker123]

Definition of a Gift Voucher.

 

Money that was good anywhere, and is now only good for one single place.

I only get gift vouchers that are expired; lottery tickets already scratched off and complimentary dinners vouchers for foods I dislike.

[Pleasant]

I only get gift vouchers that are expired; lottery tickets already scratched off and complimentary dinners vouchers for foods I dislike.

 

And following on from what Scotman said above, i've actually seen a packet of peanuts that says on it "Warning - may contain nuts"

[Blaster]

About a month after God created Adam and Eve, he decides to stop by the Garden to see how they are doing. He comes upon Adam and asks "How are thing going with you and Eve."

Adam replies, "Well, everything was going just great until a few days ago. Then Eve started getting moody and cranky. She hasn't been very cooperative and neither of us understands why. Now this morning she woke up to find blood all over her legs."

God asks "Where is Eve? I need to talk to her."

Adam replies "She went down to the river to get cleaned up."

God replies "Oh no! I'll never get that smell out of the fish."

[Blaster]

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,"What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

[toolmaker123]

If you get a hand job from someone that speaks sign language is it considered a blow job?

 

 

   One day, a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

   The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

    The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

    After supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub.

    She yells to her husband, "Hey, there's only an inch of water in the tub!"

 

                               "Yeah," the husband replies. "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." 

[skippy]

does any body know anything about antiques ?

 

only i found a tampax today and was wondering what period it came from 

[Blaster]

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

[toolmaker123]

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

YA fergot the string

[toolmaker123]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Texas and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how well you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat; so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you oughta go fishing.'

[toolmaker123]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman) 
 

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. 

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. 

Here's how it all went..... 

My Engaged Friend: 
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 

The Mistress: 
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. 

Then I Had To Share My Story: 
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said.... 

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"What's for dinner, Zorro?"