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Posted

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

Posted

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her "I love a woman that does aerobics". The woman replies angrily "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

Posted

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa".

The father asked "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do".

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma".

The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Moly, thought the father "this kid is in contact with the other side!"

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy".

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life". She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Posted

Q. How do you tell if a chick is to fat to fuck?

A. When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.

 

Q. What do you call a 90yr old man that can still masturbate?

A. Miracle Whip.

 

Q. What do you call an Afghan Virgin?

A. Never bin laid on.

 

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?

A. Dress her up as an alter boy.

 

Q. How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A. By becoming a ventriloquist.

 

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