need a laugh when rlc is dead #2

box_hunter · May 11, 2019

My mate called my Ex a slut. I replied "Mate, that's harsh, I think volunteer prostitute is more appropriate".
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My wife woke me up late last night and said "I can hear some banging downstairs". I said "I'm surprised you can remember what it sounds like".

box_hunter · May 11, 2019

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY

-"What do you mean today's our anniversary?"
-"I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
-"Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'".
-"The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday".
-"Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way".
-"I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow".
-"I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
-"That was a great fart! Do another one!"
-"God... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
-"I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house".
-"Can we not talk to each other tonight?"
-"I'd rather just watch TV".
-"It's way tooo biggg, that'll never fit in my tight..."
-"Ohhh, this diamond ring is way too big!!"
-"I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class".
-"And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!"
-"Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?"
-"Damnit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there".
-"Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I'm not here".
-"That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?"
-"Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie"
-"I'm tired of cuddling!"
-"You're so sexy when you're hungover".
-"I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too".
-"No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed".
-"Your mother is way better than mine".
-"I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress".
-"Hey, pull my finger!"
-"Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
-"I think hairy butts are really sexy".
-"Let's subscribe to Hustler".
-"I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping".
-"Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!"
-"I'm wrong. You must be right again".

Johnny · May 11, 2019

I heard the best man's speech should last as long as the groom lasts in bed.

Thank you very much for your attention. Enjoy the wedding.

Johnny · May 11, 2019

I got my girlfriend a "Get better soon" card.

She's not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.

I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.

Hopefully, she'll realise the two of us are not going to work out.

Johnny · May 11, 2019

My boss yelled at me the other day, "You've got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can't say for sure, it's so hard to keep track!"

The guests in our hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

Dirty bastards!

Johnny · May 14, 2019

A super hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?" "Well father, I am a sex addict, and lately I have discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby." The priest says, "It's ok, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay." As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and don't forget that I will be here for you!"

Scotsman84 · May 15, 2019