Husband was sunbathing in the nude when he got sunburn on his Willy. He went to the doctors who recommended bathing it in cold milk. His wife came home from work just as he was sitting there with his Willy in a cup of cold milk "I always wondered how you refill those things!" said his wife.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. 

The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot...?" The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy crap" the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird"

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers".

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you...?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion".

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 

"Sorry, but I just can't afford that".

"Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful. 

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman".

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door... in a sheer black nightie".

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes. 

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over".

Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?" "DUNNO! I got an erection, and fell off my perch!"

My wife is pissed that our beautiful neighbour is sunbathing nude in her garden.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

 

Two bananas are sunbathing by the river and along comes a turd floating down the river. The turd shouts out to the two bananas and says, "Hey guys, you should jump in, it's nice and warm!" One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?" 

 

Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me and asked what I though of her flip flops?

Bloody horrible I said, "Put your bikini top back on". 

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10".

I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. 

"It's good to put a smile on faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible". Said Anatoly, aged 6. 

 

Did you hear about the helicopter that Mickey Mouse bought from Scotland?

Disneyland. 

 

 

 

On 8/26/2019 at 1:02 AM, Scorpio 22 said:

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. 

"It's good to put a smile on faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible". Said Anatoly, aged 6. 

 

Did you hear about the helicopter that Mickey Mouse bought from Scotland?

Disneyland. 

 

 

LOL.

One lady commented: " Showed my boyfriend this and he said, " Wait, are there really different flavours?".