mikeusa

Baking Blondes Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?" They chuckled and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic

Bad Pickup Line Is that Windex in your pants? Because I can sure see myself in them.

Bad Food A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."

Bad Day for Blondie Q: How do you know a blonde is having a bad day? A: Her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.

Ash Blonde Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.

Acute Pain And there's a reason for this, why men experience pain more acutely than women -- that's because there's always part of a woman's brain thinking about shoes.

Ex-Girlfriend's Parakeet My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet...oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

Sex Ed At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV. Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important.” Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.” “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne.”

Don't Kill Your Wife What's up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that shit -- guys killing their wives. I don't understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don't they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole thing's gonna play out? Like, 'I'm gonna kill my wife, then I'm gonna get caught, then I'm gonna go to jail, then I'm gonna get fucked in the ass.'

Artificial Intelligence in a Bottle Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown? A: Artificial intelligence.

Little Johnny... The Way You Think Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?" Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left." Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think." Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?" Teacher: "Sure." Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?" Teacher: "The one sucking the cone." Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

kitty jill off in the living room good job kitty keep it up (Image Content No Longer Available)

Telltale Stripper Signs How is she not going to know? I'm going to roll in at five o'clock in the morning, smelling like exotic plants, no money in my pockets, glitter all over me. The second I walk through the door, she's going to go, 'You went to a strip club.' What the hell am I going to say? 'No, no, no, I was out tracking unicorns.'

Couple Blowout While we were eating, there was a couple on the other side of the restaurant having a fight. It was a huge fight; it was a blowout. They were screaming at each other. When the woman finally got up and stormed out, I noticed that the man didn't go after her, so I did.

Support Inter-Racial Dating It's America, not a load of laundry -- no need to separate the white and the colors.

Do Something You Enjoy Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy -- right away, you have something in common. So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.

Angelic Love A man tells his friend, "My wife is an angel." His friend replies, "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."

Little Johnny... The Mouse Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?" His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed." Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

good bye renata thank you for the Entertainment in b1 and b2

good bye tim and Ilona thank you for being here have fun back at home

at least angie had mole sex

welcome dominica to b2

Senator Cornyn on Same-Sex Marriage I'm not making this up -- he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.

At the Door Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.