Vaz

A blonde mam marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It's their first honeymoon night and the man doesn't quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says, "Son, you take the hardest thing you got and put it where she goes to the bathroom." The newlywed thanks his dad, hangs up the phone, and places his bowling ball in the toilet. 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay" the sheriff drawled "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven" she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself "That's not what I meant, but she's right". Then the sheriff asked "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and tomorrow" replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted "I don't know". The sheriff replied "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlour, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she decides to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, then puts the video in her VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner'". 

Teacher announces to the class. "Your math test was really bad. 32% of you got an F."
Blonde Chloe shouts in outrage. "Ha, that can be right. There's not even that many of us in the class!"
 
Santa Claus, a blonde with an IQ over 100 and a normal blonde are walking along the street. Suddenly they see a 100 dollar bill lying on the ground. Who will pick it up first?
Answer: Nobody. Santa Claus doesn't really exist, not does the blonde with an IQ over 100. And the normal blonde thinks the bill is a run-over frog.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then.......... Let's put all these Frosties back in the box." 

A guy goes into a house of prostitution.
He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, then gets undressed.
She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarm rings!
She runs out the room, with his $200 still in her hand.
He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her.
He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so goes outside looking for her.
By this time the fire brigade are there.
He sees a fireman and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"
The fireman says, "No!"
The guy replies, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for. 

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check", and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The man paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the man returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." 

A blonde was home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise outside. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car. 
"Did you see their face?", Her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's ok, I got the license plate number!". 

Tired of constant blonde Jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then decided to go for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd, if I can guess how many sheep are here, can I have one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!". He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick one. "I'll take this one", she says proudly. "It's the cutest!". "Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?".

A blonde was home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise outside. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car. 
"Did you see their face?", Her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's ok, I got the license plate number!". 

Tired of constant blonde Jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then decided to go for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd, if I can guess how many sheep are here, can I have one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!". He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick one. "I'll take this one", she says proudly. "It's the cutest!". "Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?".

A blonde was home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise outside. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car. 
"Did you see their face?", Her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's ok, I got the license plate number!". 

One lady commented: " Showed my boyfriend this and he said, " Wait, are there really different flavours?". 

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10".
I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

My wife is pissed that our beautiful neighbour is sunbathing nude in her garden.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
 
Two bananas are sunbathing by the river and along comes a turd floating down the river. The turd shouts out to the two bananas and says, "Hey guys, you should jump in, it's nice and warm!" One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?" 
 
Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me and asked what I though of her flip flops?
Bloody horrible I said, "Put your bikini top back on". 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. 
The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot...?" The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy crap" the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird"
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers".
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you...?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion".
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that".
"Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful. 
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman".
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door... in a sheer black nightie".
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes. 
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over".
Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?" "DUNNO! I got an erection, and fell off my perch!"

Husband was sunbathing in the nude when he got sunburn on his Willy. He went to the doctors who recommended bathing it in cold milk. His wife came home from work just as he was sitting there with his Willy in a cup of cold milk "I always wondered how you refill those things!" said his wife.

Guy says to a blonde girl.
I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your boobs. Blonde girl says no way, so the guy fondles her boobs for a good three minutes. Blonde says, "Ok when was I born?", Guy replies, "Yesterday"...