box_hunter

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great" Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too" exclaimed Little Johnny "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

A lone sniper was about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

What is the hardest part of boiling a vegetable? Getting a pot big enough to put the wheelchair in.

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great" Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too" exclaimed Little Johnny "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

A lone sniper was about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".
WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".
WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".
WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".
WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand-new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "Okay old fart, time for you to retire". The old rooster replies "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over!"
The old rooster says "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop". The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start".
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and *BOOM* he blows the young rooster to bits!
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month".
Moral of the Story: Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance.

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand-new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "Okay old fart, time for you to retire". The old rooster replies "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over!"
The old rooster says "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop". The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start".
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and *BOOM* he blows the young rooster to bits!
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month".
Moral of the Story: Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance.

I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job" but if you're doing it at home your "destroying evidence".