box_hunter

I don't think Santa is having a good week with the kiddies.....

I don't think Santa is having a good week with the kiddies.....

Didn't know spider man was part  of the Christmas story.....

The Hell's Angels bikers were riding through London when they saw a girl about to jump off tower bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police officer who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby... what you doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive' George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked "Well, before you jump... why don't you give 'ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the police officer. "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, that's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Tits. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl".
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband "it is 3 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know".
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

It was a cold Christmas Eve and a miserable woman stood on the edge of a high bridge as she contemplated suicide. Just as she tried to step off, she felt someone grab her coat. She turned around to see Santa Claus pulling her back.
"Santa Claus?!?" she exclaimed. "Yes indeed, but tell me, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Santa replied. The woman answered "Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me and my cancer has returned".
Santa said to her kindly "Worry not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you'll have a message from your boss offering you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with your children, you'll have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone".
"My goodness!" exclaimed the woman. "That is truly a miracle, how can I ever repay you?" Santa grinned slyly as he said, "Well, there is one way.. how about a blowjob?"
The woman was so grateful she readily agreed. "Okay, sure!" she said as she got on her knees. She unzipped Santa and gave him the best blowjob of his life.
After she had finished, Santa zipped up and asked the woman, "By the way, how old are you?" "I'm 27," she answered as she wiped her mouth.
"You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" Santa said, laughing heartily as he walked off into the night.

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away".
Santa replies "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know".
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice "Oh, Santa, don't run a mile, just stay for a while".
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know".
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh, Santa. Please. Stay". Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know".
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay..."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney this way!"

Merry Christmas everyone..
BOILED CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
4 Large eggs
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup dried fruit
1 tablespoon nuts
1 bottle whisky

METHOD:

Sample whisky to check for quality.

Take large bowl. Check Whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat

Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoon tea of sugar and beat again.

Make sure whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters., pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky again to check for consistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one ballespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Wix mel. Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan to 350 gredees.

Don't forget to beat of the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whLisky again and bo to ged.

Nappy Hugh Ear.

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says "Fuck me! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says "Fuck me! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says "Fuck me! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says "Fuck me! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".
To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied.
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied.
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".
To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied.
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied.
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".
To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.