What are mixed Feelings?

 

Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW. 

APPLE DOES IT AGAIN

 

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.

 

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

 

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

I fear my neighbour maybe stalking me, She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars. 

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

 

So i said, " Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" 

 

One of them snarled at me, " Its Wales, dumbo!" 

 

So i corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" 

 

That's about as far as I remember. 

There are three guys walking home from the bar wasted.. they see the Guinness World Records building down the street.

 

They decide to go in to see if they can beat any records.

 

Blaster says, "I've got the biggest hands", he goes in and sure enough, comes out with the Guinness book and shows his friends his new world record of biggest hands.

Texl01 says, "I've got the biggest feet", he goes in and also comes out with the Guinness book showing off to his friends his new world record for biggest feet.

Toolmaker123 steps up and says, "I've got the smallest penis", he goes in and comes out looking at the book disappointed and says, "who the fuck is Scotsman84?".

Vampire goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him,

 

"You need to stop masturbating."

 

Vampire asks, "Why?"

 

 

 

 

 

                 The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you"

My two lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday.

 

They obviously misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?†The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.†“Onions?†the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.†This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?†The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.†“A Christmas tree?†the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.â€

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, " If there are three ducks sitting on a fence , and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None. " The teacher asks, "Why?"  Johnny says, " Because the shot scared them all off. " The teacher says, " No, two, but i like how you're thinking. "Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor , one licking ice cream, one sucking her ice cream and one is biting her ice cream,  which one is married?". The teacher says, " The one sucking her ice cream. " Johnny says, " No, the one with the wedding ring, but i like how you're thinking!" 

Why did i get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As i entered my office, my secretary said, " Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me to her apartment. We went there and she said , " Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Ok, " I said. She came out 5 minuites later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids , my friends and my colleagues all yelling, " SURPRISE!!!" while i was waiting on the sofa.....  Naked.

A few months after his parents divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, " I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took of his clothes , threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" 

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about there favorite sex position.  One says, " I think i enjoy the rodeo position the best." I don't think I've heard of that one, " says the other cowboy. " What is it?". " Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind.  Then you reach around, cup her breasts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds." 

 

(moderator edited)

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or woman.  A good example: 

 

" I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!"