I'm in trouble with my next door neighbors. I went over to their house recently to jump on there tramperleen. I had just got on when I heard a voice say, "Hey you, get off my daughter Erleen!"

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

Late in the night he regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him, He realized he'd obviously be in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep look straight into his eyes, and her heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

 

That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed a night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back and see you," I said.

 

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn't you come back and see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new SUV."

"Is that so!" with a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs of my bed - ain't nobody under there now!"

On ‎08‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 5:03 AM, Scotsman84 said:

Very popular in Russia have seen a few with that lol

George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says, " Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, " I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground."

So Harry yells down at the man, " Hey, could you tell us where we are?"

The man on the ground yells back, " You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".

George turns to Harry and says, " That man must be a lawyer".

And Harry says, " How can you tell?"

George says, " Because the advice he gave us was 100% accurate and totally useless".

 

That's the end of the joke, but for you people who are worried about George and Harry:

They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: " Balloonists soaked by lawyer".

A drunken man staggers into a church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, " No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either."

Roger, who was 19 years old was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?" Roger thought for a moment, grinned then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'."

The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir: how very romantic of you."

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way if we break up, I can use it again."

LOL.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until it he's topping 100mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"