need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

Sharon showing her skills.

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[Scotsman84]

Why you should never walk and text. LOL

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[Scotsman84]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps a towel around herself and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, " I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After few seconds, Bob hands her the $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, " Who was that?"

" It was Bob the next-door neighbour," she replies.

" Great," the husband says, " did he say anything about the $800 he owes me? "

 

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[Sketch]

Five Important Qualities.

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[Sketch]

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises.

She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."

To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"

[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, " Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

Well doc, it's like this-- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! " You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, " Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Scotsman84]

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He too the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out in tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, ' You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ' Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death.'

[Max 2017]

On 04/03/2018 at 6:06 PM, Scotsman84 said:

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His look bigger than hers lol 

[Shaggy]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow..."

" No problem, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples re-join their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it, says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

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[delta10]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, “What?”

The man repeats his gestures, mouthing “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE.”

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the heck was that?”

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”

[Danny]

On 08/03/2018 at 5:49 PM, Scotsman84 said:

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Good move no-one will ever notice 

[delta10]

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. "Sounds great," said the health -conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

"Wait a minute," the boy said. "Those don't look fat-free."

"Sure they are", the cook said. "We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!"