need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[Scotsman84]

A boy says to a girl, " So, sex at my place? " "Yeah!" "Okay, but i sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have a code. Cheese means faster and Tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, " Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, " Stop making sandwiches! Your getting mayo all over my bed!" 

[CowArt]

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"

 

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

[CowArt]

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.

Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

[CowArt]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

 

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

 

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, 

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

[toolmaker123]

 

texl01 and Vampire, joined at the hip, waddle into a bar. The bartender, trying to make small talk, asks them if they've been on vacation yet this year.

"No", says texl, "but we're going to England next week. We go there every summer, rent a car, and drive all over Great Britain for two weeks." Vampire agrees.

"Ah," says the bartender, "Great country, the culture, the beer, the history..."

"Nope, " says texl01, "we're not into that British bullshit."

"Then why go?" says the bartender, shaking his head.

 

"It's the only chance Vampire gets to drive." 

[CowArt]

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?" 

 

"What! Are you crazy!" 

 

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend. 

 

"No! Someone might see us..." 

 

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it." 

 

"No! I said no!" 

 

"Baby... don't be like that." 

 

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

[CowArt]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

[box_hunter]

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!" to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg!"

So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favourite tunes of the bars' patrons.

Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?" The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.

All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.

Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit". The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

[CowArt]

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[Scotsman84]

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[Scotsman84]

Bin Man

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[Scotsman84]

Snooze You Lose... Lol

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[CowArt]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." 
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. 
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[Scotsman84]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number, She said, " Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight." I said " Wow!"  Then her Friend Said, " She means 666 - 3629."

[Scotsman84]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, " Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich : $2.50; Hand Job; $ 10.00 ." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. " Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I Help you?" "I was wondering, " whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives  the Hand Jobs? "Yes, "She purrs, "I am," The man replies, " Well, go and wash your hands, I want a Cheese sandwich!"