Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife and said, "Jackie, put your hat and coat on lassie." She replied, "Awe Ian that's nice, are you taking me to the pub with you?". "Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot." 

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Arnie stops him and asks, "Hey Bill, what you got that case of beer for?." "Well, I got it for my wife, you see" answers Bill. "Wow!" exclaims Arnie, Great trade".

A couple hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.

"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate some of the fresh salmon."

Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the eaten salmon with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.

"Ma"am, the cat is dead!"

The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped.

Returning home after their long, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat.

"Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!" 

Four old geezers came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes and were exhausted. The pro asked if they had a good game and the first old guy said, "Pretty good. I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had five riders."

The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The fourth said, "I beat my old record. I had twelve riders. I'll buy!"

After they shuffled into the bar, another member basic to the pro, "I've played golf for years and thought I knew all the lingo, but what in the heck is a 'rider'?" 

The pro replied, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get back in the golf cart and ride to it!" 

The reaction is priceless.