Scotsman84

My wife was always after me to go shopping with her. Then I began wearing my favourite T-Shirt. She doesn't want me to go shopping with her anymore. Now she takes her mum or her sister..

Once again they don't pay for it so why give a fuck... Going to be big shock for most of them when they get their on place and get things called Bills..

Two guys are playing golf. The woman in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. So one man says to his friend, " I'm going to ask those ladies if we can play through. " He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, " One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them? " So the second man starts to walk over. He gets half way there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, " Now what happened? To this he replies, " Small World. "

Only god knows how she can get two guys willing to fuck her.... She is a Pig

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don't do vegetables. Thanks for explaining the word " many " to me, it means a lot. He is street smart. Sesame Street smart. That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is " act natural, you're innocent ". My wife made me a Millionaire. I was a Multi-Millionaire before we met.

Glad your ok mate.. Need you back get some of these nutters put in their place.. lol

How did I escape Iraq? Iran. I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches. Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards. What was Forrest Gump's email password? " 1forrest1 "

I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said " If you can read this the Bitch fell off. " Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, " Take off my skirt." So I took off her skirt. " Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. " Now take off my bra and panties. " So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, " I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business and the other was named Trouble, One day the boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking under cars until a police man approached him and asked, " What are you doing? " " Playing a game, " the boy replied. " What is your name? " the officer questioned. " Mind Your Own Business. " Furious the policeman inquired, " Are you looking for trouble! " The boy replied, " Why, yes. "

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people. You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.

Wife: " How would you describe me? " Husband: " ABCDEFGHIJK. Wife: " What does that mean? " Husband: " Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot. " Wife: " Aw, thank you, but what about IJK? " Husband: " I'm Just Kidding! "

" A French couple, an Italian couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner. The French husband says to his wife " Pass the honey, honey. " The Italian man says to his wife " Pass the sugar, sweety. " The Polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife. " Pass the Bacon you fat fucking pig. "

Very Drunk.. Lol Yeah next Joke

If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd use my ex's. It' s never been used. I hate people that use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out! What's the definition of eternity? The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves. What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Is Your Ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out your mouth? I'd like to see things from your point of view but can't seem to get my head that far up my Ass. If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ. Your Family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a Prick. The only way you'll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

My Wife and I were Happy for 20 years. Then we met. Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? My Girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. So I got drunk. I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently it's wrong to shout SHOTGUN before boarding a plane.

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherf@@kers.

I don't trust Joggers. They're always the ones that find the dead bodies.. Just sayin.