Scotsman84

Very Drunk.. Lol Yeah next Joke

If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd use my ex's. It' s never been used. I hate people that use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out! What's the definition of eternity? The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves. What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Is Your Ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out your mouth? I'd like to see things from your point of view but can't seem to get my head that far up my Ass. If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ. Your Family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a Prick. The only way you'll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

My Wife and I were Happy for 20 years. Then we met. Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? My Girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. So I got drunk. I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently it's wrong to shout SHOTGUN before boarding a plane.

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherf@@kers.

I don't trust Joggers. They're always the ones that find the dead bodies.. Just sayin.

Anna and her boyfriend walk into Annas house and Anna said to her mom, " Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room " and her mom say, " Ok honey, you kids have fun. " When they are up their the mom hears. " Baby baby baby oh! " The mom walks to the door and asks, " What the hell is going on?" Anna says, " Mom were just having sex. " and her mom says, " Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber. "

Was Barry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Straight? Was Marvin Gay? Sure made Stevie Wonder....

Teacher: Can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to the earth? Student: Drin-King, Smo-King, and Fuc-King!

She does seem weird.. But 4 girls in a 3 bed Apartment never going to work... Didn't work day 1 and won't work Now..

Eileen Rose

During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She was like, " What are you doing? " And I said, " Hush ", I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering: "

Teacher: Why is there a Cat in here? Kid: Because I heard my Daddy say to my Mummy, I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids are at school, so I'm saving him.

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, " Yep, it's going to be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, " No, no. I just burped. "

Q: Why should you never tell a Pig a Secret? A: Because they like to Squeal!

Q: How do you take a Sick Pig to hospital? A: In an Hambulance!

They Get their arses wiped enough already without doing anymore for them.. God help them when they have to get in the Real World.. As Long as People Keep paying they won't Give a Fuck.

A bear walks into a bar and says, " I'd like a beer............ and some peanuts. " The bartender says, " Sure, but why the big paws? "

Lia and Mia..

The teacher asked Little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence. Little Johnny replies: " Teacher, do farts have lumps in them? " The Teacher says: " Of course not Johnny. " To which Johnny replies: " Then I have definitely Shit my pants. "

A husband says to wife: " My Olympic condoms have arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight. " The wife says: " Why don't you wear silver and cum fucking second for a change? "

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with £2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said " I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the past 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer." The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said " I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the £2000 in the drawer. The husband replied " Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.