box_hunter

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere". he pleaded to the last hotel manager "Or just a bed-I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted" "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant" admitted the manager "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you". "No problem" the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it". The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived. "Never better". John said. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time". "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said "Good night, beautiful" and he sat up all night watching me".

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realised that she was not happy with his driving and said "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly. I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!" The girlfriend looked at him and said "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!" Then the guy quickly corrected her "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.

Here I was thinking a couple of different things... He promised to wash her off her feet with the proposal or to make her wet with the special proposal he was planing!!

Don't think that is going to help!!

Mary comes home from her date with Ted and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says "How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess". "It must have been a lot better than that" says mum " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling".

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam" she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean" she whispers "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze "Anything?" "Anything". His voice softens "Anything?" "Anything" she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Good god.. Pour me a strong Wild Turkey.... I can't unsee this now... If a lot of there members are this size wonder how times a week they have to call the Ambulance??

Went to the gym earlier, while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in. So anyway... she's made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life.

Don't you hate it when some cock comes along and ruins your hard work...

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself "I'm gonna take that!"

What is the hardest part of boiling a vegetable? Getting a pot big enough to put the wheelchair in.

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great" Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too" exclaimed Little Johnny "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

A lone sniper was about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet. AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner". BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms. ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician". HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..." LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...! PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers". WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

"It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up". "That's not how field sobriety tests work" the police officer replied.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? They're both half empty.