box_hunter

Three men, one American, one Mexican, and one Chinese, were hiking an unknown mountain. They suddenly discovered a big cave. So they each decided to test its echo. The American man shouted his name: "John" The echo replied: " John" The Mexican man shouted his name: "Carlito" The echo replied: "Carlito" The Chinese man shouted his name: "Ching Chong Lao Song" The echo replied: "What?"

A man wakes up in Hospital in Australia bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it". The man groans, but the doctor goes on. "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch". The man perks up. "So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision". The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have" says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite kitchen bench tops".

Just nearly talked myself out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody stunning. Then I fucked up by saying "and that's not the drink talking either".

I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said "Punching above your weight aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "Thailand. We're getting married". "You don't want to get married, that's when the blowjobs stop". "I don't mind that; I hate giving her them anyway!"

A blonde was touring a farm and asked the farmer "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns" began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse".

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife: "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" "I'd take half and leave you" she says. "Great" he says. "Here's your $6. Pack your bags and FUCK OFF!"

I recently got kicked out of the 9th Annual Conference on Gender-Fluidity and Transgender Sensitivity after using the "F-word" during a conversation with one of the presenters. No, no, not 'fuck'... 'female'.

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today, 1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello"... WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes". WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much". WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked". MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000". ; MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options". WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janine and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.5M for it". MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $1.4. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go an extra $50k if it's what you really want". WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too". The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

I was in the pub a few months ago when these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us!

There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in. The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.

The guy next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think SHE'S beautiful, you should see MY girlfriend mate". He said "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said "No, she's an optician".

A new Army Lieutenant, let's call him Jim Browning, was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked Sgt Huntington why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said "Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women". "Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Milly the Camel". The Lieutenant said "I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the "urges" so the camel can stay". About a month later, the young Lieutenant Browning starts having his own urges. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sgt Huntington to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, Browning stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sgt Huntington "Is that how the men do it?" "No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town... that's where the girls are..."

Gus was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself". That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky. At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. Gus, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, Gus went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" "Well, not as I'd expected. When I fired the pistol, Becky shit on my face, bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air".

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?'" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed". Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back... and that is as a chicken". Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ed. "Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal". He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! You've shit the bed!" Getting OLD just aint what they said it would be!

lol

Yep that looks very safe!!

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted". The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven". Dolly was outraged and asked "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? "Sorry, Dolly" said the Angel "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair!"

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied "Because I swallowed the first one".

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said "We have reached your destination". The first guy gave him money and the second guy said "Thank you". The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The third guy replied "Watch your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Another one that probably didn't pass the test... I want to know this happened. It would be one amusing video I think.

how-to-fail-the-breathalyser.mp4