need a laugh when rlc is dead #1

[toolmaker123]

On the night of their wedding a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. 

 

       After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom down on his knees in front of the bed.

 

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

 

"I'll take care of the guidance," she replied. "You just pray for endurance." 

[toolmaker123]

Ford has a new truck with a heated tailgate. 
 

It keeps your hands warm while you're pushing it home

[toolmaker123]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

 

  For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of acetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

 

      After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

[toolmaker123]

BobZ stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity.

 

    He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner, CowArt asked, "What the hell is you taking so fucking long?"

 

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," BobZ explained.

"I want to make the perfect shot."

 

CowArt exclaimed. "You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here." 

[Scotsman84]

If his aim is anything like his comebacks he's no chance lol 

[toolmaker123]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this

absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, ‘Who was that??!!â€
“Oh,†replies the husband, ‘that was my mistress.â€
The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.â€
“I understand,†replies her husband, “But, remember, if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the
decision is yours.â€
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. 
‘Who’s that woman with Jim?†she asks.
“That’s his mistress,†replies her husband.
“Ours is prettier,†says the wife.

[bakerman77]

My first time on the chat I have a couple maybe funny Why don't witches wear panties Because they can get a better grip on the broom

Little colored boy was taking a piss by the fence when his mother was looking  out the window She said Ralph get in here you little

mother f..... He said I'm not a mother f.... She said you aint in here yet

[bakerman77]

I liked that one toolmaker here is one   a man was stranded on a deserted island a bottle with a  genie comes to shore and she grants him three wishes

his first is for food and water she gives him all he needs his next wish was give me a beautiful woman she gives him a beautiful woman his next wish was I want a dick that touches the ground so she took his legs off     hope you dint hear that one

[bakerman77]

I have one more for you A young girl happened to touch her boyfriends penis. She told her mother and her mother said that's a sin honey you tell the priest what happened. When she came home later that day her mom asked what happened when you told father what you did. He made me go into this dark room and put my hand in the holy water. Mother said were you not afraid in that dark room? She said no mom their were other girls in there also Mom said what were they doing and she said some were drinking it and some were sitting in it

[bakerman77]

A handsome couple got married who never had sex with one another  On their wedding night she was so tired she asked her husband if he could hold off till morning He said sure honey.  She was so tired she was restless all night and every time she looked at her husband his eyes were open.

Sitting at the breakfast table she said I had a restless night but I noticed you did not sleep all night your eyes were open. He said honey I slept I had such a hard on I did not have enough skin to close my eyes

[toolmaker123]

                                                 /

[box_hunter]

you gotta love idiots....

 

[box_hunter]

what a legend..  love this guy..  

 

[toolmaker123]

Irony at it's best:

 

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. 
Not very long," answered the Mexican. 
"Well, then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. 
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. 
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" 
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life." 
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! 
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. 
Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise." 
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. 
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American. 
"And after that?" 
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" 
"Millions? Really? And after that?" 
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take siestas with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends." 

[toolmaker123]

Blaster was in court in front of a judge for a shoplifting trial, and the judge was trying to explain to him,

 

     "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."

 

Blaster thought for a moment.  

 

        Then he asked, "What are my peers?" 

 

 The judge says, "They"re people------- just like you ------ your equals."

 

"Forget it," retorted Blaster.

 

                    "I don"t want to be tried by a bunch of dysfunctional, live at home schizophrenics!!!"