September 19, 20178 yr My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is most importantly, too naïve to know she's way out of my league.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. A blonde said, " I was worried that my mechanic might try and rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid. "
October 2, 20178 yr Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes Go In First! Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting. What's the difference of Deer nuts and Beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.75, but Deer nuts are under a buck.
October 2, 20178 yr A guy and a dog are sitting at a bar. Dog says to the guy, you think your wifes a bitch! My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again. If a guy remembers the colour of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
March 14, 20187 yr When i was a boy. I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive.... It's a good job my brother told me about it. Women are like swimming pools - they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend in them. My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters.... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
March 18, 20187 yr When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things. God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
March 26, 20187 yr Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
May 17, 20187 yr Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 year old. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so told him I'd start lying to my wife. Don't you have it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
June 18, 20187 yr There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance". She's single if her man can't beat you up. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's on my own Accord. The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
September 4, 20187 yr I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. My ex owned a parakeet and OMG that thing would never shut up... but the bird was cool. I bought a dog from a blacksmith and when I got him home, he made a bolt for the door. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
November 24, 20187 yr I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
November 24, 20187 yr When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
June 14, 20196 yr Virginity is like a soap bubble - one prick and it's gone. The difference between a girlfriend and wife is about 45 pounds. The difference between a boyfriend and a husband is 45 minutes. A good bar is like a good woman - liquor in the front and poker in the back. You know your girlfriends frigid if the lights go on when you open her legs. My friend's in prison for flashing - he says he can't bare it anymore.
June 14, 20196 yr It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, i'll just turn the lights off."
June 23, 20196 yr What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids? If your father were to see you now, he would be turning in his gravy! The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet." Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
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