Scotsman84

Invincible.

Scummy

Gazump.

Sarcastic.

Cat: So Lena have you been shitting in my litter tray again? LOL

Her face is priceless, like the cat has called her into the office... Sit down we need to chat.. LOL

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, " I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humour." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says, " You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee! "

Ventriloquist.

Lena: You wanted to talk? Cat: Thought I was the only pussy you played with.. LOL

Two men are talking. " So, how's your sex life? " " Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." " Social Security sex? " " Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

There is more money being spent or breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, " Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000? " She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, " Aren't you gonna bit them? " He replies, " No, it's too expensive."

An old man goes to church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old." Father: " When was the last time you made a confession? " Man: " I never have, I am Jewish." Father: " Then why are you telling me all this? " Man: " I'm telling everybody! "

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, " When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind? " The husband replied, " All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, " What are you thinking now? " He replied, " It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: Their legs.

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, " That's great, sweetie, but what is Wy? " He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads " Wendy ". When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with " Wy " on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, " Nah, mon, mine says " Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."

A man boards a plane with 6 kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, " Are all of those kids yours? " He replies, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

A young reporter was having trouble finishing his byline. The editor specifically told him that they can't print the words breast or boobs. The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the editor the following report. " Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . Y . ) "

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, " We are family, even tho you are fatter than me." Yo momma is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does. Yo momma is so stupid she brought a spoon to the super bowl. Yo momma is so fat I tried driving around her and I ran out of fuel.

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, " Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass! " Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. " That's ok," the blonde replied, " I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car! "

Tizzy.

Erection.

Welcome Arnie & Karla.

Paintballing. Slightly Overweight or Slightly Underweight?

Boobs are proof men can concentrate on 2 things at once.

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs. " Really? " she said. " Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to loose patience. " Come on," she demanded, " What day was I born? " " Yesterday! " I replied.