Scotsman84

I was in hospital visiting my wife after her operation when the nurse suggested it might help if I adjusted my wife's pillows to make it more comfortable. She wasn't wrong. Taking my wife's two pillows and putting them on my chair was a lot more comfortable

A lady went for a routine physical examination at the doctor's office. The nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, " The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes." A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. She said to the nurse, " Thanks, but they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all."

Most of them are show offs, attention seekers but some just make it more obvious than others.. You wouldn't do something like this if you didn't enjoy showing off or attention.

RLC tenants doing what they do best. Shame they don't play with their pussies as much as they do with their phones, maybe a lot more would bother watching. Anyway can hear drink calling my name. Enjoy.

I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better everyday. Then you get kicked out for being to healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, then.. you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then.. You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

Next time it gets changed/upgraded get it back to the way it was ffs. You are ment to make it better for everyone not worse. Some of us need something to do when the Chatbox is bollocks. LOL

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, " I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, " Ok, but don't do in that field over there." as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! " Reaching into his rear pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. " See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand?!! The rancher nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull... with every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... " Your badge, show him your BADGE!! "

Ellen: What are you looking at? Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... ( Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RVs toilet ) Eddie: Shitter was full. Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey? Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better. Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. It's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within 10 yards of it. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Think most of us know the answer to that. LOL

Drinks with friends. Sky Dive or Bungee Jump?

Shaved No, Trimmed Yes. Have you ever been tied up while your partner has sex with someone else?

Angus, a Scottish farmer was walking through his field and saw a man drinking from the stream. He shouts over, in Gaelic, " Hey, don't drink the water friend, the sheep have got the runs! " The man turns around and says, " What did you say? I'm English, I don't speak your stupid language! " " Ach well!" shouts back the farmer. " I said " Use both hands, you'll be able to drink more of my wonderfully fresh stream!...

This gay bloke tells his boyfriend that he has got a nice new tattoo on his arse as a special treat for him, so anyway he pulls his pants down and bends over to reveal Mike Tyson on the right cheek, and Lennox Lewis on the other, his boyfriend shrieks, " Oh, my god, there's no way I'm getting into the ring with those two fuckers! "

I don't know what's wrong with young people these days - I was waiting at the bus stop the other day when a group of yobs across the road started shouting, " Oi, you wanker! " and " Oi, you dirty c++n ". Why can't they let me masturbate in peace?

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. " Do you have reservations? " Inquires the receptionist. " Only one," replies the groom. " She won't take it up the arse." I've been married 35 years and have never played away from home. It's much more exciting when there's a chance the missus might walk in.

For Sale. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.

A blind rabbit bumps into a blind snake. They agree to guess what each other are by touch. The snake says, " You have a fluffy tail, big pointy ears and buck teeth - you must be a rabbit." The rabbit replies. " You've got dry scaly skin, no lips, no ears, no hair, your eyebrows aren't there and you're hissing." " Fuck me, you're that paki bomber from Glasgow airport! "

My girlfriend asked me to indulge her in something a bit kinky last night. She said she had this rape fantasy that she'd always wanted to try out. Really regretting it now though. My arsehole hurts like fuck, and she says she'll kill my pet rabbit if I tell my parents.

I had a sex change last night.... I tried my left hand instead. After a hard one night stand of fucking, a man is lying with a girl cuddled up in his arms. She starts gently stroking his cock and he asks her, " Are you still horny? "" No", she says, " I just really miss mine! "

I was talking to this Essex lass the other day about our heritage and she was saying she had a bit of German, a bit of French, a bit of Spanish and a bit of English in her. I was quite amazed..... turned out she'd slept with the Arsenal squad.

A woman gets in a taxi with her 8 year old kid. The taxi driver takes them through a red light district. The kid asks his mum, " Why are all those ladies standing shivering in the street? " Blushing his mum replies, " They're all waiting for taxis to take them to a party." Abdul the driver chips in, " Tell the kid the truth lady: they're all drug crazed hookers who get down for a dog if the price is right." The kid asks his mum, " Do these ladies have children? " The mum replies, " Yes dear, they grow up to be taxi drivers."

Love Boobs fake or real

Must be bad if it scares you. LOL

A man finds a lamp, rubs it and a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have two wishes, but whatever he gets his mother-in-law will get double. The man thinks for a while and says: First I would like a million pounds. Then beat me half to death.

We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out the blue she said, '' I've decided I want to be cremated.'' I said, " Awrite, get your coat."