I don't trust Joggers. They're always the ones that find the dead bodies.. Just sayin.

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherf@@kers.

I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently it's wrong to shout SHOTGUN before boarding a plane.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

"Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it."

"I intend to live forever... or die trying."

"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes."

"Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher."

"@nal intercourse is for @ssholes." lol

My Wife and I were Happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

My Girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. So I got drunk.

I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

 

 

Is Your Ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out your mouth?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but can't seem to get my head that far up my Ass.

If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Your Family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a Prick.

The only way you'll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd use my ex's. It' s never been used.

I hate people that use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What's the definition of eternity? The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks, I didn't want to interrupt her.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.

I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said " If you can read this the Bitch fell off. "

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

 

How did I escape Iraq?  Iran.

I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

What was Forrest Gump's email password? " 1forrest1 "

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don't do vegetables.

Thanks for explaining the word " many " to me, it means a lot.

He is street smart. Sesame Street smart.

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is " act natural, you're innocent ".

My wife made me a Millionaire. I was a Multi-Millionaire before we met.

 

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.

A couple of years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise, but the fire trucks ruined it.

Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

That one liner " I'm not drinking too much tonight " never goes as planned..

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast...

I grew a beard thinking it would say " Distinguished Gentleman. " Instead, turns out it says, " Senior Discount, Please! "